Ash Wednesday sneaked up on me. I'm not a practicing Catholic, yet there are so many things about the ways my Catholic family celebrates their faith that I am drawn to. There is much meaning in the walking out of the Catholic faith...The season of Lent is one of those.
I remember the first time I forgot what day it was and mentioned to that person "hey, you've got something on your forehead!" Only to be completely embarrassed once I realized it was Wednesday, that special Wednesday. The day to remember that I am mortal, and a time to repent and consider from whence I came.
While I was not able to visit any churches on Wednesday due to work (except my own in the evening), I saw a few people at work with that gray cross on their forehead...that gentle reminder that He is everything and I am nothing. I realized that the day had sneaked up on me again and suddenly realized I hadn't prepared. Will I give anything up for Lent this year? Should I begin something meaningful instead of giving something up? What would it be, and would it be something truly worth something in my heart, so as to honor Christ's sacrifice, and at the same time keep always at the forefront of my thoughts how much I depend on Him?
A few options ran through my mind, the first one immediately cast down. To be honest, I knew that one was "the one," but I just didn't want to give that up. I continued to think about what I could sacrifice that would be meaningful, and while the choices were good, they were not best. By evening's end, I had decided. I have given this particular thing up before, with the Lord's help, and my life has never been the same. I pray that He do an even greater work in me this year.
I read this week online that Biblically, 40 is the number of preparation. Reference: Jesus' fast/time of testing, the number of days that rain poured upon the earth during the great flood, the years spent wandering in the wilderness before arriving at the Promised Land. I wonder, what will these 40 days prepare me for? Prepare me to be? Who will this time prepare me to love, and will I really love them? I wonder.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
Red beans and rice
...what I'm eating for supper.
A warm, furry, didn't-realize-it-was-dirty-been-in-the-closet-since-last-winter hoodie...
...what I'm wearing right now.
Frustrated at the world for no reason...
...what I'm feeling right now.
The sounds of The Goodnight Show and children laughing...
...what I'm hearing right now.
15...
...days of the month I struggle with working full-time.
15...
...days of the month I am grateful to have an outlet at work and feel successful.
Fruity candle from Ikea...
...what I'm smelling right now.
In my pajamas, in my bed, watching mindless television...
...what I wish I was doing right now.
Reading my Bible or praying...
...what I should be doing right now (see "frustrated at the world for no reason" for further clarification).
When the microwave still flashes "End" and no one has hit "clear..."
...my pet peeve today. Even worse when I was the one who forgot to hit clear!
Brach's Red Hot Cinnamon Lips...
...what I wish I were eating right now.
God's grace, my children's grace, my husband's grace...
...what I'm thankful for right now.
A warm, furry, didn't-realize-it-was-dirty-been-in-the-closet-since-last-winter hoodie...
...what I'm wearing right now.
Frustrated at the world for no reason...
...what I'm feeling right now.
The sounds of The Goodnight Show and children laughing...
...what I'm hearing right now.
15...
...days of the month I struggle with working full-time.
15...
...days of the month I am grateful to have an outlet at work and feel successful.
Fruity candle from Ikea...
...what I'm smelling right now.
In my pajamas, in my bed, watching mindless television...
...what I wish I was doing right now.
Reading my Bible or praying...
...what I should be doing right now (see "frustrated at the world for no reason" for further clarification).
When the microwave still flashes "End" and no one has hit "clear..."
...my pet peeve today. Even worse when I was the one who forgot to hit clear!
Brach's Red Hot Cinnamon Lips...
...what I wish I were eating right now.
God's grace, my children's grace, my husband's grace...
...what I'm thankful for right now.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Loss and gain
I feel a loss lately. My longtime readers might remember when I rediscovered what life as a working mom was like....or when I challenged you to be a fitted sheet. I'm back at that place in my life. Of course, in a slightly different capacity, but there all the same. My biggest loss has been that of having real relationships, and the limitation of friendships that might have been but are not because of the lifestyle we have chosen. It's hard to get up at 4:45, work til 2:45, grab the kids, give my hubby a quick kiss, and then be "mommy" until they get to bed and I get myself to bed around 8:30. Only to start it all over again the next day. My days are full and blessed, but at the same time so so lonely. Being stuck at home each night means I can't just run to Starbucks with a friend, or meet anyone for dinner, or go grocery shopping together (am I the only woman who has grocery shopped with a friend? makes a boring chore SO much more enjoyable!)
When I'm at work, my time belongs to work (after all they are paying me for my time!)...when I'm at home, my time belongs to my beloved children. I get to see my best friend once a day, at kid-swap time...and then if we are lucky, we have Saturdays and Sundays to spend together. Some days it just feels like too much to handle. I have to quiet my soul, remember who I am and Whose I am, and that at one time I really did have it all. That, even if only for those blessed two years, I did get to stay at home with my children and really give my life to making a home. I spent my free time reading or preparing for my mom's group/helping with the Bible study or making a meal for a friend who'd just had a baby. Even though I was folding laundry or preparing a meal, my mind was free to think about how I wanted to raise my children, or to pray for a friend in need. I just don't have that any more. My mind and my brain belongs to my work when I am there and rightly so. My brain feels tapped out!! This, I am sure, contributes to my lack of lasting friendships. After all, we are all dealing with stress and balancing our own lives; it stands to reason that my friends are going through similar situations and then just don't have the time or energy to wait out my tiny free moment when I can call them.
I type all this out to say...I in no way, shape, or form wish to make any of my friends feel bad or guilty or anything like that. I just know from experience that when I feel a certain way, it is my enemy's goal to make me feel as if I am in a situation all alone. That no one else can "truly" understand exactly what I am going through, and thus no friendship will ever be perfect, so I should never seek any friendships out or continue to try to reach out to those who may get frustrated with my ever-shrinking free time. Absolutely not!! That is what he wants me to think, to isolate me, and cause me to stop practicing giving thanks. I will not! Some things I say to myself on a regular basis (after all, I'm alone a lot at night so I can talk to myself and no one will know!): "Grow up! You're a grown up, not a child!!!" "doing the dishes before bed is really not a big deal." "So what if he/she hasn't called in two weeks? Call anyway, you have to be a friend to make a friend." "Who cares if the house is not perfect? Invite them over anyway." "Go to bed, it's already 8:30!" (that one gets on my nerves but I do have to yell at myself sometimes. When you actually do the math between 4:45 am and any time at night, it's shocking to realize I may really only get 6 hours of sleep!)
Oh, but I have GAINED so much these last few years. I have gained a knowledge that I am in love with the best Gift Giver in the world. He created me for such a time as this, and ordained my days before I was even born. He gave me the perfect gifts and talents to be the best at what I do at work, and to serve the people who work for me. He reminds me that even 5 minutes spent in prayer to Him while I brush my teeth is still fellowship, and oh, how much joy I get from realizing He wants all those small moments. They add up into the greatest love story ever told.
This has been a rambling post, but sometimes you just have to put yourself out there and be vulnerable. When I expose who I am and what little I have to offer, all that remains is His light, and that, ultimately, is what changes hearts and people for God's glory.
If you feel any of what I described above, DON'T give in to the temptation of thinking that no one else is going through what you are going through!!!! None of our lives are exactly the same, but we have all struggled, and God has been gracious to see us through. Sometimes we have to remind each other of where He has brought us from, in order to encourage and uplift. Think about who you can reach out to today to encourage?
When I'm at work, my time belongs to work (after all they are paying me for my time!)...when I'm at home, my time belongs to my beloved children. I get to see my best friend once a day, at kid-swap time...and then if we are lucky, we have Saturdays and Sundays to spend together. Some days it just feels like too much to handle. I have to quiet my soul, remember who I am and Whose I am, and that at one time I really did have it all. That, even if only for those blessed two years, I did get to stay at home with my children and really give my life to making a home. I spent my free time reading or preparing for my mom's group/helping with the Bible study or making a meal for a friend who'd just had a baby. Even though I was folding laundry or preparing a meal, my mind was free to think about how I wanted to raise my children, or to pray for a friend in need. I just don't have that any more. My mind and my brain belongs to my work when I am there and rightly so. My brain feels tapped out!! This, I am sure, contributes to my lack of lasting friendships. After all, we are all dealing with stress and balancing our own lives; it stands to reason that my friends are going through similar situations and then just don't have the time or energy to wait out my tiny free moment when I can call them.
I type all this out to say...I in no way, shape, or form wish to make any of my friends feel bad or guilty or anything like that. I just know from experience that when I feel a certain way, it is my enemy's goal to make me feel as if I am in a situation all alone. That no one else can "truly" understand exactly what I am going through, and thus no friendship will ever be perfect, so I should never seek any friendships out or continue to try to reach out to those who may get frustrated with my ever-shrinking free time. Absolutely not!! That is what he wants me to think, to isolate me, and cause me to stop practicing giving thanks. I will not! Some things I say to myself on a regular basis (after all, I'm alone a lot at night so I can talk to myself and no one will know!): "Grow up! You're a grown up, not a child!!!" "doing the dishes before bed is really not a big deal." "So what if he/she hasn't called in two weeks? Call anyway, you have to be a friend to make a friend." "Who cares if the house is not perfect? Invite them over anyway." "Go to bed, it's already 8:30!" (that one gets on my nerves but I do have to yell at myself sometimes. When you actually do the math between 4:45 am and any time at night, it's shocking to realize I may really only get 6 hours of sleep!)
Oh, but I have GAINED so much these last few years. I have gained a knowledge that I am in love with the best Gift Giver in the world. He created me for such a time as this, and ordained my days before I was even born. He gave me the perfect gifts and talents to be the best at what I do at work, and to serve the people who work for me. He reminds me that even 5 minutes spent in prayer to Him while I brush my teeth is still fellowship, and oh, how much joy I get from realizing He wants all those small moments. They add up into the greatest love story ever told.
This has been a rambling post, but sometimes you just have to put yourself out there and be vulnerable. When I expose who I am and what little I have to offer, all that remains is His light, and that, ultimately, is what changes hearts and people for God's glory.
"For God, who said, 'Let there be light in the darkness,' has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ. We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies...All of this is for your benefit. And as God's grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory."
If you feel any of what I described above, DON'T give in to the temptation of thinking that no one else is going through what you are going through!!!! None of our lives are exactly the same, but we have all struggled, and God has been gracious to see us through. Sometimes we have to remind each other of where He has brought us from, in order to encourage and uplift. Think about who you can reach out to today to encourage?
Friday, January 4, 2013
One Word for 2013...well, maybe Two!
This year, I am seeing all kinds of blog posts about "what is your 'one word' for the year?" That word that will supposedly describe your year and what you hope it will be.
My word would be "Margin." I want to develop Margin in several areas of my life. Hoping for margin financially, of course...this could be the year that we are completely out of debt, if we do things right and really work hard. And what an awesome Christmas present that would be!! Also, margin with my time and making sure I have some space for quiet in my life. With a demanding job, me/Marc swapping off kids all the time, and actually caring for the kids/house, free time is rare. I'm hoping that the quality of my free time will improve (such as actually practice my piano instead of mindlessly watching HGTV!), and maybe, just maybe, the quantity of free time and "space" in my brain to process and think will also grow.
If I had to choose another word, it would be "Disciple." I want to learn this year, really learn, what being a disciple of Christ really means--this also means that I would be bringing other disciples along with me on the path. The last 7 years or so have been lax in this area of my life; when you are caring for newborns and young children, much of your energy is spilled out on them. I'm hoping to focus more this year on others, and getting outside my front door to help those who are not as fortunate as I am.
I only have one Resolution for 2013. I have a lot of things I would like to do and accomplish...usual things like eating better, getting into shape, etc. But my life has not lended to multiple accomplishments with this full time job, so I decided to pick one resolution and work very hard to make sure it gets done. I will read through the entire Bible in 2013, a little at a time. I'm using a reading plan on YouVersion called "Eat this Book" which I find really funny. I love the symbolism in the title based on "your Word is sweeter than honey...", plus it just makes me think of that phrase "how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time!" ha ha
Anyway, I figure that if I can read through the whole Bible and place my focus on God's Word, then the rest of it will all fall into place. If I am making His Word a priority, then I will choose differently. I will act differently, I will spend my money differently.
Here are some of the goals I jotted down last year about this time. Funny!
My word would be "Margin." I want to develop Margin in several areas of my life. Hoping for margin financially, of course...this could be the year that we are completely out of debt, if we do things right and really work hard. And what an awesome Christmas present that would be!! Also, margin with my time and making sure I have some space for quiet in my life. With a demanding job, me/Marc swapping off kids all the time, and actually caring for the kids/house, free time is rare. I'm hoping that the quality of my free time will improve (such as actually practice my piano instead of mindlessly watching HGTV!), and maybe, just maybe, the quantity of free time and "space" in my brain to process and think will also grow.
If I had to choose another word, it would be "Disciple." I want to learn this year, really learn, what being a disciple of Christ really means--this also means that I would be bringing other disciples along with me on the path. The last 7 years or so have been lax in this area of my life; when you are caring for newborns and young children, much of your energy is spilled out on them. I'm hoping to focus more this year on others, and getting outside my front door to help those who are not as fortunate as I am.
I only have one Resolution for 2013. I have a lot of things I would like to do and accomplish...usual things like eating better, getting into shape, etc. But my life has not lended to multiple accomplishments with this full time job, so I decided to pick one resolution and work very hard to make sure it gets done. I will read through the entire Bible in 2013, a little at a time. I'm using a reading plan on YouVersion called "Eat this Book" which I find really funny. I love the symbolism in the title based on "your Word is sweeter than honey...", plus it just makes me think of that phrase "how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time!" ha ha
Anyway, I figure that if I can read through the whole Bible and place my focus on God's Word, then the rest of it will all fall into place. If I am making His Word a priority, then I will choose differently. I will act differently, I will spend my money differently.
Here are some of the goals I jotted down last year about this time. Funny!
- I want to memorize the book of Ephesians. It might not all get memorized in 2012, but I'm going to try. I miss memorizing Scripture and I'm hoping that this will help keep my brain cells growing instead of dying the way these children seem to want them to. I hardly even got started on this one, thanks to me beginning to write out Ephesians in my little booklet I kept with me in my purse...during which I was so focused on the words of the passages, which ultimately caused me to miss two notifications of gate changes at the airport and thereby miss my flight. Not cool. Not exactly the reason I did not memorize Ephesians, but something in my subconscious tells me this is why I did not revisit this one later in the year. ha!
- I want to blog at least twice a month. My sis-in-law just got me re-motivated. (Thanks Shu!) Yes, Facebook is good for sharing/pictures/etc but since moving to AL I have hardly taken any pictures and I'm pretty sure I've never even hooked up my external hard drive with all the pics on it. Which leads me to the next one... Fail...but at least I tried. I probably got about 10 posts in this past year, which considering all the working I was doing, was not too bad.
- I HAVE to get more organized at home. Bills are getting paid on time but not filed, pictures taken but not sorted through, etc. Baby steps, I know. This is just pure laziness...I have done a little but usually when my free time happens, the last thing I want to do is file paid bills. Any of my very organized friends want to come and make this happen for me? Anyone?????
- Watch less TV. As my job slows down I find myself still coming home and plopping in front of the tv because I'm tired. My goal this year is to not have that be my default setting after the kids go to bed. I've been better at this...not perfect, but better. I'll take any improvements! Usually a key for me is when I have no clue what people are talking about at work. :)
- Spend more quality time with my love. Have a date night at least every 2 months...and maybe twice this year, spend a weekend with no kids. Have I mentioned how much we love being close to our families? Almost made this one! I think we had about 5 date nights plus 2 almost complete weekends with no kids (Thanks to Marc's mom who is a saint!) This is KEY to building a marriage and keeping the love alive when you hardly see each other. Can't wait for the next one!
- Grow out my hair. Doesn't seem like much of a goal, but this is an easy one to cross off my list. Finally!!!! Something I can check off. Even after regular 8 week haircuts, my hair is about 6 inches longer than last year. I'd like to grow it out another 6 this year. Having long hair is fun again!
- Learn more recipes and get out of the same old same old recipe doldrums. I don't think I have tried one new recipe this year. LOL this really cracks me up. Oh wait, no. I did try 1 new recipe...it was for homemade Kettle Corn. And it was so awesome, I just decided there was no point in finding anything new to eat.
- Actually hang some pictures and curtains in my 5 month new to me house. Check on the pictures, still need to hang curtains. Half done is better than not done, at least in this case!
- Keep up with my "counting gifts" and being thankful. I have done a lot of counting gifts in my head, on facebook, and on my blog. Not so much on paper. I just forget to write them all down, but I have definitely seen an improvement in my attitude on the days when I am looking for gifts from God, and looking at my circumstances as a gift whether pleasant or not.
So, there you have it! My two words for the year...they might go together and they might not but we shall see.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Let me be grateful
This is the post in which I ramble on about the things I am grateful for. They are many, and most of them are not things you would even care about. But it makes me so happy to see them in writing, and so...you get what you get.
- My love made me fried rice for supper. He knows how much I like it and surprised me with it. I love him a lot....he has given me so much grace, so much. After 13 years I can't imagine myself being any more in love with him, and yet I know in 10 years, I'll say the same thing.
- Speaking of love, I viewed a random blog on Sunday with pictures of grooms seeing their brides for the first time. Just look at the priceless moments captured on film. Later that day, we went to church where God was...and oh, He was! I thought again about that blog with the pictures of the grooms and the looks on their faces. And I thought, I want to be so beautiful to Him that on that day that He returns for me, He stands there with a look of wonder and amazement at His bride. I can't imagine being any more in love with Him in 10 years, and yet I know I will be!
- I'm grateful that my work hours have slowed so much. I'm working around 9 hours a day instead of 12-13. Honestly, it feels a little like a vacation after working so hard for over a year. I am supremely thankful for this. I'm spending more time with my kids, and getting more sleep--both very good things!
- I'm grateful that I have so much. My home is always heated and cooled, my water always runs when I turn on the faucet, and I don't have to trudge out to the back yard to use the restroom. If I'm sick, I have medicine and cough drops I can use to help me feel better. I go to sleep at night on the most amazing mattress with warm blankets and even a fake rain noise maker to make me feel comforted. My husband and I have two paying jobs right now, despite our feelings about both working, and we are still able to care for our children full time ourselves. My bills are all paid with a little extra usually, and we eat a lot. Probably too much. We. Have. So. Much. I am overwhelmed.
- I am really grateful about Christmas this year. The last few years, Christmas-time has been rough for me. Special for my family, I'm sure, but for me, in my heart, it has been hard. I spent last Christmas very stressed about my job...the one before that we drove from WV to AL (a drive which I hope I will never have to make again), and the one before that I was physically sick and emotionally miserable at my circumstances. This year, my life is just so rich. I am surrounded by my family (all but one sister who lives in NM with her family) just a few hours away. For the first time in my life, I feel able to give presents to those I choose from a grateful, excited heart. I have things picked out I feel will be meaningful (I hope!) to those I love, and I just can't wait to give them. It makes me wonder how our Lord felt when he was doing all that "growing in grace, and in the sight of God and man" while He was young. I mean, seriously....if you know what was going to happen when you were 33 and what it would mean to the world, how hard would it be to keep that all to yourself for the next 20 years??????
- I am grateful that my children sleep pretty well. It didn't use to be so, and I remember that and accept this season of rest with utter thankfulness. By 8:30 or so, I can wind down and have an hour before bed for "fun" however I choose to use it.
- Grateful for a hard working husband, who gives me grace when I am choosing to use my hour to blog and get some thoughts out of my head, instead of finishing up the dishes or folding some laundry. He doesn't judge me and gives me space to be me.
- I'm grateful that my children's natural leaning away from the things of God, is what keeps me close to God. I need Him so so much, to know how to gently lead these kiddos He's given me.
- I'm grateful for new neighbors who love the Lord...and some new neighbors who may not but are just as precious to Him. I have never in my grown up life had "real" neighbors who send their kids to each others' houses. It is absolutely precious and wonderful! Looking forward to getting to know them more this next year!
- Thankful for all the leaves in my yard, because it means I have a yard, and I have trees in the yard that provide shade during the hot summers of AL. My yard is fenced and is exactly what we prayed for a few years ago, when we lived in the 2nd floor apartment above the cranky older couple whose female half took a nap daily at 4 pm (witching hour for my kids). Thankful that Marc or I did not crack during that very stressful season, and I'm not sure I would be as grateful or content to rake leaves if I had not been through that time.
- Thankful, just thankful. For Riddlers Skittles when I don't know when I'm getting the melon flavored ones I hate, and for 3 bowls of Frosted Flakes to remind me of the days I was pregnant with Zachary, and for this striped long sleeved shirt that matches my baby sister's shirt that we bought together last year, and for friends far away I wish I could spend more time with. For wedding rings that mean more than just a status symbol, they mean for always no matter what and he has proven that to me. For doubles in dominos, and L.L. Bean catalogs that come in the mail and make me drool. For my electric blanket that is my dearest winter friend, and my striped-with-tassels slippers that make me feel like a cross between the cat in the hat and the Grinch. Thankful for sacrifice, and for love, and for the whole reason we celebrate this month.
Monday, November 19, 2012
November November
If I post at least once a month, in the last half of the year, does that mean I've met my New Year's Goals? :) I suppose it is better than nothing!
Slowly but surely, life is easing, and I am getting more time to just BE. Time to ponder my life and rest in Who He is, and time to think about the fact that "He's still working on me...to make me what I ought to be...took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars...the sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars...how loving and patient He must be...He's still working on me!"
Lately I am not blogging as much because I'm just enjoying keeping things to myself. I have so many things I could say, could clog up the www with. But sometimes it feels special just between me and God, you know? My sisters and friends keep at me to write a book. About what, I have no idea. Don't really feel I have much to say, honestly, and all that writing seems it would just be another thing hanging over me, another task to complete, another "life" to nurture. No thanks.
Here are some snippets of things my Love has spoken to me over the past few months:
Let Go.
Grow Up.
Hope.
Endure.
Don't Quit.
Funny that as I was typing all those things, I was reminded of a pretty famous passage in 1 Corinthians 13, about Love. "Loves endures all things, hopes all things. Love never fails." "Never keeps any record of wrongs" (grow up) Gee, what are you trying to tell me, God? ha ha
It feels tight and close in here, in His shadow. I'm not too interested in heading out anytime soon...matter of fact, I think I'll just take a little nap.
Slowly but surely, life is easing, and I am getting more time to just BE. Time to ponder my life and rest in Who He is, and time to think about the fact that "He's still working on me...to make me what I ought to be...took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars...the sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars...how loving and patient He must be...He's still working on me!"
Lately I am not blogging as much because I'm just enjoying keeping things to myself. I have so many things I could say, could clog up the www with. But sometimes it feels special just between me and God, you know? My sisters and friends keep at me to write a book. About what, I have no idea. Don't really feel I have much to say, honestly, and all that writing seems it would just be another thing hanging over me, another task to complete, another "life" to nurture. No thanks.
Here are some snippets of things my Love has spoken to me over the past few months:
Let Go.
Grow Up.
Hope.
Endure.
Don't Quit.
Funny that as I was typing all those things, I was reminded of a pretty famous passage in 1 Corinthians 13, about Love. "Loves endures all things, hopes all things. Love never fails." "Never keeps any record of wrongs" (grow up) Gee, what are you trying to tell me, God? ha ha
It feels tight and close in here, in His shadow. I'm not too interested in heading out anytime soon...matter of fact, I think I'll just take a little nap.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
The palm tree of Psalm 92
Today.
I worked 5:30 am to 5:30 pm--a hard 12 hours where nothing went right, everything was my department's fault (which I am ultimately responsible for) and 2 patient complaints to Administration AT THE SAME TIME. Literally both of my phones ringing and both calls were from different people in administration, at the same time people waiting outside my door to answer questions, etc, etc, etc. The last 45 minutes of those 12 hours, I dragged my hobo-looking kids around (all 3 in one double stroller because 2 out of 3 kids did not have shoes on), while I completed my work at the hospital. Stopped by the cafeteria to give them all bribes of chips because I just needed to survive til I can get us all out the door and hopefully not look foolish to anyone in Administration on the way (failed by the way, of course we passed someone looking at me like I was insane). Get home to start homework with Z, and he's whiny and doesn't want to do homework. And Emi is coloring on every homework page, and Kenna has decided to eat her chips and Emily's, and I resort to sticking Emi in front of the TV watching Caillou. I eat my cold supper of plain noodles that I dip in the cold spaghetti sauce with meat, while I stand at the stove. Literally eat out of the pots in between giving spelling words. Finally get them bathed and almost in bed--whoops, forgot the milk for the last minute drinks before bed. So trudge out to the back 40 of the garage to the landlord's fridge because mine is still not working because no one has time in my family to call a repairman. Kick a cockroach HARD on my way out to the garage because these things are going to be the death of me one day and I hate them and it's not fair that they try to live in my house and I shouldn't have to pay money to a bug guy to keep them out so I don't but I still feel infested in the winter and it's not fair. Come back in with the milk, girls drink it, Zach's in the tub, bring the milk back out to the garage. Go to tuck girls into bed, and Emi has a stinky diaper, which of course absolutely had to wait until she was wearing a fresh diaper (there goes another 25 cents for nothing!). Change her, come back, calm the girls down, try not to threaten them too much to stay in their beds because Kenna playacted one day not too long ago with her doll who was taking a nap and said "You'd better stay in that bed, or I'm going to kill you!" No, I have NEVER said anything like that to her, not even close, but just because I didn't use those words, did my tone convey that to her? and Oh my God (praying now), do I really sound like that? and if so, Lord, really I need help here! Come back to get Z out of the bath and he whines about getting out of the bath just like he whined going into the bath, and I finally quietly say, "Mom's had a really really really bad day. Can you just please wash your hair, get dressed and go to bed without any fussing? Just this once?" Get Z in bed and think about how I let Emi watch Sprout for almost 2 hours before bed because I couldn't balance both her and the older 2 with homework and how Zach ate his bag of chips, then a banana, and then more tortilla chips he found somewhere and maybe I'm not doing a good enough job of making sure healthy food is available, and maybe if that stupid fridge were working in my house instead of in the garage we would eat better. And no wonder why I'm starving because all I had to eat all day was a small bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, a 20 oz Pepsi and a tiny bowl of soup at lunch. And "Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death??
One of those days where you just feel like giving up, throwing in the towel and vegging on the couch in front of the mindless tube. But I'm not giving up!!! God told me not to, twice, specifically 2 weeks ago on a Wednesday and a Sunday. Days that will burn into my heart like other times He has spoken through people and things to teach me stuff about how to grow up.
"Thank GOD!!!! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 7:24-25
So...the Palm tree
"But the godly will flourish like palm trees and grow strong like the cedars of Lebanon. For they are transplanted to the Lord's own house. They flourish in the courts of our God. Even in old age they will still produce fruit; they will remain vital and green. They will declare, 'The Lord is just! He is my rock! There is no evil in Him!' " Psalm 92:12-15
4 things I learned about the palm tree from my pastor
What do you think? If I'm honest I want to say that I'm not 100% sure all these things are true, although it sounds pretty good. I don't have hours to spend researching all this stuff. But I will say that in life, the principle seems to be true that the more we are tested, the more we find out who we really are and what we're made of. In this case, I find out that I am nothing. And without Christ, I have nothing and might as well give up trying. But "Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord." I can declare that He is MY rock, and He is just. I can go to bed now, hopefully not feeling that this day was wasted, because I decided to redeem it by declaring that this day was not wasted. He is going to make something out of this day, whether I can see anything good in it yet or not.
Tonight I am grateful to be turning out the light soon...grateful that when I set my alarm it is going to say something ridiculous like "your alarm is set to go off in 7 hours and 22 minutes" and that this will be the most sleep I get this week, grateful that I have a cell phone to use as an alarm. Grateful that I have all my fingers and can type all this out and not leave it in my spirit, grateful that although my supper was cold, I did get to eat. Grateful that tonight it was not raining when I had to go out to the back 40 of the garage...grateful that the cockroach flew really far when I kicked it and it really did make me feel a little better to kick it like that. Grateful that though my job is stressful this week, I have Friday off and that I even have a job to go to each day to help provide for my family. Grateful, just grateful.
I worked 5:30 am to 5:30 pm--a hard 12 hours where nothing went right, everything was my department's fault (which I am ultimately responsible for) and 2 patient complaints to Administration AT THE SAME TIME. Literally both of my phones ringing and both calls were from different people in administration, at the same time people waiting outside my door to answer questions, etc, etc, etc. The last 45 minutes of those 12 hours, I dragged my hobo-looking kids around (all 3 in one double stroller because 2 out of 3 kids did not have shoes on), while I completed my work at the hospital. Stopped by the cafeteria to give them all bribes of chips because I just needed to survive til I can get us all out the door and hopefully not look foolish to anyone in Administration on the way (failed by the way, of course we passed someone looking at me like I was insane). Get home to start homework with Z, and he's whiny and doesn't want to do homework. And Emi is coloring on every homework page, and Kenna has decided to eat her chips and Emily's, and I resort to sticking Emi in front of the TV watching Caillou. I eat my cold supper of plain noodles that I dip in the cold spaghetti sauce with meat, while I stand at the stove. Literally eat out of the pots in between giving spelling words. Finally get them bathed and almost in bed--whoops, forgot the milk for the last minute drinks before bed. So trudge out to the back 40 of the garage to the landlord's fridge because mine is still not working because no one has time in my family to call a repairman. Kick a cockroach HARD on my way out to the garage because these things are going to be the death of me one day and I hate them and it's not fair that they try to live in my house and I shouldn't have to pay money to a bug guy to keep them out so I don't but I still feel infested in the winter and it's not fair. Come back in with the milk, girls drink it, Zach's in the tub, bring the milk back out to the garage. Go to tuck girls into bed, and Emi has a stinky diaper, which of course absolutely had to wait until she was wearing a fresh diaper (there goes another 25 cents for nothing!). Change her, come back, calm the girls down, try not to threaten them too much to stay in their beds because Kenna playacted one day not too long ago with her doll who was taking a nap and said "You'd better stay in that bed, or I'm going to kill you!" No, I have NEVER said anything like that to her, not even close, but just because I didn't use those words, did my tone convey that to her? and Oh my God (praying now), do I really sound like that? and if so, Lord, really I need help here! Come back to get Z out of the bath and he whines about getting out of the bath just like he whined going into the bath, and I finally quietly say, "Mom's had a really really really bad day. Can you just please wash your hair, get dressed and go to bed without any fussing? Just this once?" Get Z in bed and think about how I let Emi watch Sprout for almost 2 hours before bed because I couldn't balance both her and the older 2 with homework and how Zach ate his bag of chips, then a banana, and then more tortilla chips he found somewhere and maybe I'm not doing a good enough job of making sure healthy food is available, and maybe if that stupid fridge were working in my house instead of in the garage we would eat better. And no wonder why I'm starving because all I had to eat all day was a small bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, a 20 oz Pepsi and a tiny bowl of soup at lunch. And "Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death??
One of those days where you just feel like giving up, throwing in the towel and vegging on the couch in front of the mindless tube. But I'm not giving up!!! God told me not to, twice, specifically 2 weeks ago on a Wednesday and a Sunday. Days that will burn into my heart like other times He has spoken through people and things to teach me stuff about how to grow up.
"Thank GOD!!!! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 7:24-25
So...the Palm tree
"But the godly will flourish like palm trees and grow strong like the cedars of Lebanon. For they are transplanted to the Lord's own house. They flourish in the courts of our God. Even in old age they will still produce fruit; they will remain vital and green. They will declare, 'The Lord is just! He is my rock! There is no evil in Him!' " Psalm 92:12-15
4 things I learned about the palm tree from my pastor
- The roots of the palm tree will continue to grow if any part of the tree is cut down...the tree will re-grow and send new shoots out.
- The tree bends, but won't break. Storms could bend the tree over almost doubled, but it will eventually stand back up straight again like it never happened. The more the tree bends under the weight of the wind and rain, the greater the yield of the fruit.
- The root system of the tree goes straight down searching for water. Often the roots of the tree are deeper than the tree is tall.
- The palm tree produces fruit even in old age--it is continuously fruitful.
What do you think? If I'm honest I want to say that I'm not 100% sure all these things are true, although it sounds pretty good. I don't have hours to spend researching all this stuff. But I will say that in life, the principle seems to be true that the more we are tested, the more we find out who we really are and what we're made of. In this case, I find out that I am nothing. And without Christ, I have nothing and might as well give up trying. But "Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord." I can declare that He is MY rock, and He is just. I can go to bed now, hopefully not feeling that this day was wasted, because I decided to redeem it by declaring that this day was not wasted. He is going to make something out of this day, whether I can see anything good in it yet or not.
Tonight I am grateful to be turning out the light soon...grateful that when I set my alarm it is going to say something ridiculous like "your alarm is set to go off in 7 hours and 22 minutes" and that this will be the most sleep I get this week, grateful that I have a cell phone to use as an alarm. Grateful that I have all my fingers and can type all this out and not leave it in my spirit, grateful that although my supper was cold, I did get to eat. Grateful that tonight it was not raining when I had to go out to the back 40 of the garage...grateful that the cockroach flew really far when I kicked it and it really did make me feel a little better to kick it like that. Grateful that though my job is stressful this week, I have Friday off and that I even have a job to go to each day to help provide for my family. Grateful, just grateful.
Friday, September 7, 2012
What faith
I'm trying to decide whether to name this post "What Faith!" or "What Faith?"
First of all, I was lovingly chastised by my cousin Jen this week that I am not blogging enough. She is right, and so I am blogging again. Or at least tonight. Which is better than not at all, I suppose! Only time will tell if I continue. I love blogging, but this year it has been hard to steal away for quiet moments and still my mind enough to pour it out onto paper.
Back to faith. I've been reading a very small book by George Mueller called Answers to Prayer. Have you ever heard of him? He started an orphanage in the 1800s simply to prove that God did not need man's help to accomplish anything, and discovered along the way that God provided him with the faith to ask only God for his needs the rest of his life. Mr. Mueller never once even told people he was going to start an orphanage. He simply prayed, and suddenly people came out of the woodwork to give him money toward the cause.
The book is a slow read, but not for lack of interest on my part. It is slow because I need time to absorb all he writes.
So...like I said, deep. I was reading the Bible to the kids tonight before bed and the story was about Jairus and his sick daughter. You can find the entire story in Luke 8:40-56. Jairus came to Jesus, obviously upset and overwrought with emotion over his daughter. He fell at Jesus' feet and pled with Him to come home with him because his daughter was dying.
Then Luke says that as Jesus went with Jairus, He was followed by a crowd. In the crowd was the woman with the blood disease, who reached out and touched the hem of His robe and was healed. Jesus stopped the entire crowd to find out who touched Him and talked to her and the crowd about what had happened.
As I read the story, I started to think about Jairus. If I were him, I would have been extremely impatient with Jesus at this point...probably starting to get testy or angry. I mean, here is this woman who has touched Jesus and it's great that she got healed, but what about his daughter who is dying? I imagine that minutes and even seconds were precious at this point, to ensuring that Jesus could heal her.
At that moment, a messenger arrived from Jairus' home who told the crowd that his daughter had died and "there's no use bothering the Teacher now." But Jesus said to him, "Don't be afraid, just have faith and she will be healed." I'm not so sure what I would have done or felt at that point. I mean, I've been there. Five miscarriages and 3 difficult pregnancies teaches you something about hope...mostly how to not have hope so you won't allow yourself to be disappointed in case you lose another baby. I'm not saying it's right, I just know how that feels--what it's like to battle fear and faith when all earthly knowledge is telling you there's no use. Who's to say that Jairus hadn't gone through similar circumstances in his life? And yet, here is Jesus telling him, "Don't worry, just have faith."
So they get to his house, and Jesus won't let anyone else go in the house except Peter, James, and John, and the girl's parents. The house was filled with the mourners at this point and Jesus says to them, "Cut it out! She's just sleeping, she's not dead." The crowd laughed at Him because they all knew the "truth."
But here it is: "Jesus took her by the hand and said in a loud voice, 'My child, get up!' And at that moment her life returned, and she immediately stood up!" This reminds me much of my dear friend's journey with her daughter, which begins Here and after 3 years is Here!!! The faith and consistency in praying of Jordan and Rob is just amazing and their sweet daughter's victories bring all the glory to our God. He is so worthy to be praised!!!
All that to say: What Faith!!! And I am asking myself: "What Faith?" If I shrink back from the hard stuff, from not wanting to walk the difficult road because I'm too tired or I just don't think it's fair that others don't work as hard as I do...I won't see the victory, won't get to feel the thrill of seeing God come through for me in a way that doesn't even make sense. I've had some hard weeks with my job lately and some trying times personally. Yet, the times I remember to ask God for guidance, to ask Him to make a way where there really is no way, He has shown Himself true each and every time.
"Would the believer, therefore, have his faith strengthened, he must especially, give time to God, who tries his faith in order to prove to his child, in the end, how willing He is to help and deliver him, the moment it is good for him." --George Mueller
**This post is dedicated to my dear friend Susan Hinkley, who passed away on Wednesday after a long battle with ovarian cancer....but not before letting God try her faith and ultimately bring her closer to His heart. Susan, I love you and will miss you. Give all my babies in heaven a kiss for me!**
First of all, I was lovingly chastised by my cousin Jen this week that I am not blogging enough. She is right, and so I am blogging again. Or at least tonight. Which is better than not at all, I suppose! Only time will tell if I continue. I love blogging, but this year it has been hard to steal away for quiet moments and still my mind enough to pour it out onto paper.
Back to faith. I've been reading a very small book by George Mueller called Answers to Prayer. Have you ever heard of him? He started an orphanage in the 1800s simply to prove that God did not need man's help to accomplish anything, and discovered along the way that God provided him with the faith to ask only God for his needs the rest of his life. Mr. Mueller never once even told people he was going to start an orphanage. He simply prayed, and suddenly people came out of the woodwork to give him money toward the cause.
The book is a slow read, but not for lack of interest on my part. It is slow because I need time to absorb all he writes.
"Either we trust in God, and in that case we neither trust in ourselves, nor in our fellow-men, nor in circumstances, nor in anything besides; or we DO trust in one of more of these, and in that case do NOT trust in God.
"If we, indeed, desire our faith to be strengthened, we should not shrink from opportunities where our faith may be tried, and, therefore, through the trial, be strengthened. In our natural state we dislike dealing with God alone. Through our natural alienation from God we shrink from Him, and from eternal realities. This cleaves to us more or less, even after our regeneration.
"Hence it is, that more or less, even as believers, we have the same shrinking from standing with God alone--from depending on Him alone--from looking to Him alone: and yet this is the very position in which we ought to be, if we wish our faith to be strengthened. The more I am in a position to be tried in faith with reference to my body, my family, my service for the Lord, my business, etc., the more shall I have opportunity of seeing God's help and deliverance; and every fresh instance, in which He helps and delivers me, will tend towards the increase of my faith."
So...like I said, deep. I was reading the Bible to the kids tonight before bed and the story was about Jairus and his sick daughter. You can find the entire story in Luke 8:40-56. Jairus came to Jesus, obviously upset and overwrought with emotion over his daughter. He fell at Jesus' feet and pled with Him to come home with him because his daughter was dying.
Then Luke says that as Jesus went with Jairus, He was followed by a crowd. In the crowd was the woman with the blood disease, who reached out and touched the hem of His robe and was healed. Jesus stopped the entire crowd to find out who touched Him and talked to her and the crowd about what had happened.
As I read the story, I started to think about Jairus. If I were him, I would have been extremely impatient with Jesus at this point...probably starting to get testy or angry. I mean, here is this woman who has touched Jesus and it's great that she got healed, but what about his daughter who is dying? I imagine that minutes and even seconds were precious at this point, to ensuring that Jesus could heal her.
At that moment, a messenger arrived from Jairus' home who told the crowd that his daughter had died and "there's no use bothering the Teacher now." But Jesus said to him, "Don't be afraid, just have faith and she will be healed." I'm not so sure what I would have done or felt at that point. I mean, I've been there. Five miscarriages and 3 difficult pregnancies teaches you something about hope...mostly how to not have hope so you won't allow yourself to be disappointed in case you lose another baby. I'm not saying it's right, I just know how that feels--what it's like to battle fear and faith when all earthly knowledge is telling you there's no use. Who's to say that Jairus hadn't gone through similar circumstances in his life? And yet, here is Jesus telling him, "Don't worry, just have faith."
So they get to his house, and Jesus won't let anyone else go in the house except Peter, James, and John, and the girl's parents. The house was filled with the mourners at this point and Jesus says to them, "Cut it out! She's just sleeping, she's not dead." The crowd laughed at Him because they all knew the "truth."
But here it is: "Jesus took her by the hand and said in a loud voice, 'My child, get up!' And at that moment her life returned, and she immediately stood up!" This reminds me much of my dear friend's journey with her daughter, which begins Here and after 3 years is Here!!! The faith and consistency in praying of Jordan and Rob is just amazing and their sweet daughter's victories bring all the glory to our God. He is so worthy to be praised!!!
All that to say: What Faith!!! And I am asking myself: "What Faith?" If I shrink back from the hard stuff, from not wanting to walk the difficult road because I'm too tired or I just don't think it's fair that others don't work as hard as I do...I won't see the victory, won't get to feel the thrill of seeing God come through for me in a way that doesn't even make sense. I've had some hard weeks with my job lately and some trying times personally. Yet, the times I remember to ask God for guidance, to ask Him to make a way where there really is no way, He has shown Himself true each and every time.
"Would the believer, therefore, have his faith strengthened, he must especially, give time to God, who tries his faith in order to prove to his child, in the end, how willing He is to help and deliver him, the moment it is good for him." --George Mueller
**This post is dedicated to my dear friend Susan Hinkley, who passed away on Wednesday after a long battle with ovarian cancer....but not before letting God try her faith and ultimately bring her closer to His heart. Susan, I love you and will miss you. Give all my babies in heaven a kiss for me!**
Saturday, February 11, 2012
More faith. I need it.
I thought it was time to finally post a few pics. This is my "baby" who is now almost 17 months old. Look at those curls! She's a daddy-lookalike.
Sweet sister time on the couch.
My 3 beauties. I love them!!!
Since I am trying to blog at least twice a month (and I failed already in January!), I figured I'd better try to catch up a bit. Nothing too exciting to share here. We're having our share of rough days with these young ones...and sometimes rough nights too. Our youngest is not the best sleeper and we haven't figured out how to fix it. You would think after 2 other kids (1 of them being colicky) that we would know what to do. Sigh.
Sweet sister time on the couch.
My 3 beauties. I love them!!!
Since I am trying to blog at least twice a month (and I failed already in January!), I figured I'd better try to catch up a bit. Nothing too exciting to share here. We're having our share of rough days with these young ones...and sometimes rough nights too. Our youngest is not the best sleeper and we haven't figured out how to fix it. You would think after 2 other kids (1 of them being colicky) that we would know what to do. Sigh.
I feel so content in many ways, and discontented in other ways. I love where we are, love our home, love the satisfaction I feel in my job, love watching my kids grow up and learn lots of stuff. But I feel just as un-sure in the number of hours I have to put into my job...knowing that am missing almost all of their days. That stuff is hard to swallow. Knowing my husband is feeling a lot of the same, wishing he was out working and I was home with the kids. It's strange how we both have the same desire, and yet God has made it so clear that our current situation is what He wants for our lives. Despite how we feel about it. Like I said, it's tough to swallow.
I'm reading about Abraham and Sarah lately. When you really think about it, the stuff that happened to Abraham is just plain weird compared to our current lifestyles. I think we have gotten so used to hearing the Bible stories over and over, that the reality of what actually went on doesn't strike us the way it should. For instance, God called Abraham to leave his family and "go to a place I will show you." No maps, no plans, just "follow me." People just don't do that kind of stuff anymore.
And then the whole thing about Sarah not being able to have children, and yet years prior to Isaac being born, God promised them that they would have a son. Imagine the hope and the thoughts of the future they had!! They went to bed the night after receiving that promise, feeling like God had finally heard them...He was finally going to come through for them...a son would be born!! And then YEARS pass, and Nothing. What's up with that? Sure, I know eventually Isaac was born, and it was still definitely a miracle. But what about those waiting years?
Don't get me started on the story of Abraham bringing his almost-grown son on a journey, telling him, "we're going to worship." And having Isaac carry the wood for the sacrifice....little knowing he would be that sacrifice. I wonder a lot if Abraham felt like I would have felt, that every step he took was painful and sacrificial. Or maybe he had tons more faith than me, and he didn't question at all?
At any rate, all these stories don't seem to fit with God, and yet they do. I think the problem is that we have gotten so far away from who God really is. Too far from what He really wants us to be doing, because we're too concerned with what WE want. Who's to say that God couldn't/wouldn't do things like that in our lives, now? We don't depend on Him like Abraham did...I don't, anyway. Oh, to have the faith of Abraham!!! The Bible said that "Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness." That must have been some pretty powerful believing.
As I read the Old Testament, I'm praying that I would have ears to hear what He is really trying to say to us. These aren't just stories anymore....they really happened. Read it slowly, think about what if that were you in the story? How would you feel? What would you be thinking? What would you tell your family if you were the one that God told to leave everything and travel to a place you didn't know?
Something to ponder....
Monday, February 6, 2012
To my favorite man in the whole world....
This post has been in my head for awhile now...I love you and still, all these years later, can't believe you picked me.
- When you open up Goldfish bags, you make the bag into a little spout which makes the snack come out better with no mess. I'm not sure if you do this for me, or if you just like it that way. But it makes me happy.
- You are the king of knowing fascinating random facts about everything...and you teach our children to love randomness. It makes them look at the world in a whole different way. I love that.
- You like my cooking, or at least have pretended to for 12+ years. Even when I have the annoying habit of critiquing my own cooking each and every time, you just smile and say "it's good." Steady...I like that.
- You know things. Like the time when I was afraid to tell you I was pregnant with baby #3--pregnancy #8--because it was not in our plans and I knew how much it worried you. I was nauseated by the corn you made for dinner and pushed it around on my plate. And you said, "You need to eat that corn. It's good for the baby." And then you said you already knew I was pregnant because of my voice on the phone a few days earlier. The knowing you have about everything drives me insane...yet it grounds me, here with you forever.
- Life with you is never boring. I never know what you have planned for the day but almost always it's something I would not have thought of. Your love of adventure dragged me onto a train halfway across the country for vacation....and has master plans to drag me back for retirement to your blessed Chamberlain. I hope I like it there.
- You see beauty in things I never can. Lining up cars and taking close up pictures of them on the carpet. Arranging decks of cards and playing dramatic music while videoing the whole thing....and then laughing your head off when your video's panning out just so happens to occur at the grand finale of whatever soundtrack you love at the moment.
- Still you boss me around, but only when I need it. You give me room to grow and change, yet reel me in when I need some boundaries. I feel safe with you.
- You love my heritage, carefully packing and unpacking the precious Ukrainian Easter Eggs my great-grandmother made, and gently reminding me that it's time to keep up my skill of pierogie-making to keep it in the family. Our home is filled with things that are precious to us but have little value to the rest of the world...and I like it that way.
- When I first met you, you wore Jnco's to church instead of dressing up with the rest of us. You somehow convinced me that God didn't care what we were wearing and I became proud of your comfy flannel shirts and crazy wide leg jeans. I still think you'd look good in a pair of those....(I thought of this yesterday when I laughed at my jeans attire during church!)
- You love me. And I love you. Forever. Thanks for never making me doubt it.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
It's a new year, again.
It's fairly sad to say that I was too busy to make a New Years Resolution. But this year it was just too true. I have made myself a couple of goals here and there, which I would like to put here in writing for all 5 of you who read this blog...this way you can help encourage me in them.
- I want to memorize the book of Ephesians. It might not all get memorized in 2012, but I'm going to try. I miss memorizing Scripture and I'm hoping that this will help keep my brain cells growing instead of dying the way these children seem to want them to.
- I want to blog at least twice a month. My sis-in-law just got me re-motivated. (Thanks Shu!) Yes, Facebook is good for sharing/pictures/etc but since moving to AL I have hardly taken any pictures and I'm pretty sure I've never even hooked up my external hard drive with all the pics on it. Which leads me to the next one...
- I HAVE to get more organized at home. Bills are getting paid on time but not filed, pictures taken but not sorted through, etc. Baby steps, I know.
- Watch less TV. As my job slows down I find myself still coming home and plopping in front of the tv because I'm tired. My goal this year is to not have that be my default setting after the kids go to bed.
- Spend more quality time with my love. Have a date night at least every 2 months...and maybe twice this year, spend a weekend with no kids. Have I mentioned how much we love being close to our families?
- Grow out my hair. Doesn't seem like much of a goal, but this is an easy one to cross off my list.
- Learn more recipes and get out of the same old same old recipe doldrums.
- Actually hang some pictures and curtains in my 5 month new to me house.
- Keep up with my "counting gifts" and being thankful.
Ok, well, I'd better get off this computer now and actually start some of this stuff! It's challenging because I don't have as much "free" time as I used to when I was at home all day. Not that I was working any less being at home but my time was my own. I could do laundry and learn Scripture at the same time, where as at work I am getting paid to work 100%. Maybe one day I'll get to be at home more.......too bad managers can't work 4 10-hr days!!
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Happenings
So....we moved. And 4 months later, I am remembering this sad blog. I feel I've almost forgotten how to write, or even what to write about. My life is in a phase I'd like to dub "newborn job," which means that I don't sleep much and I'm working about as much as I would be spending time feeding, changing diapers, dealing with all that fun newborn stuff. I really like my job, I just would like to not spend so much time there. I'm hopeful that maybe by February I'll be working more 10 hr days and fewer 13 hr days. And by summer...who knows? The sky's the limit. Maybe one day I'll work 8-9 hr days again.
I could bore you with all kinds of stories about myself, but tonight I need to make it short and kinda sweet. I've had enough of my own whining this week so I want to be more positive today. We moved to a great new city into an amazing house. It's about 1600 square feet I think, which is approximately 35% bigger than our last apartment. We have the best fenced in backyard with shade trees in just the right places, but plenty of sunny areas for the occasional baby swimming pool and slip-n-slide. I am, from the bottom of my heart, so grateful for this home. For the first time in a long time, I feel we are making a home somewhere and not just surviving. (at least most days!)
If I choose to be positive and thankful, I will admit to myself that though our situation is a bit strange, I know that God has His hand on the whole thing. He was the one who orchestrated this whole move and He has blessed it. As much as I would ADORE to stay home full time with my children and be a home maker, that is most obviously not His plan for me. So I have to embrace with my whole self the fact that He has other ideas. (this is one of those "easier said than done" kind of things, in case you were wondering....) But the thankful part of me says that it is amazing that Marc gets to stay home with our children, and build so many fun memories with them. And the thankful part of me is grateful to even have a home with hardwood floors that echo every tiny noise so that I can't sleep in past 7 am.
Long story short, I am thankful. And grateful, and blessed, and honored that God has even chosen me to do anything for Him, in His Name. The days when I feel dishonored at work, like I have no purpose....I can choose to believe the same things I would believe if I were a full time mom/homemaker and struggling with the fact that "no one sees" what I do all day or the significance of it. I choose to believe that whatever thing I do, great or small, significant or insignificant, easy or difficult, if I do it for Christ and for His Name's sake, nothing is lost.
I could bore you with all kinds of stories about myself, but tonight I need to make it short and kinda sweet. I've had enough of my own whining this week so I want to be more positive today. We moved to a great new city into an amazing house. It's about 1600 square feet I think, which is approximately 35% bigger than our last apartment. We have the best fenced in backyard with shade trees in just the right places, but plenty of sunny areas for the occasional baby swimming pool and slip-n-slide. I am, from the bottom of my heart, so grateful for this home. For the first time in a long time, I feel we are making a home somewhere and not just surviving. (at least most days!)
If I choose to be positive and thankful, I will admit to myself that though our situation is a bit strange, I know that God has His hand on the whole thing. He was the one who orchestrated this whole move and He has blessed it. As much as I would ADORE to stay home full time with my children and be a home maker, that is most obviously not His plan for me. So I have to embrace with my whole self the fact that He has other ideas. (this is one of those "easier said than done" kind of things, in case you were wondering....) But the thankful part of me says that it is amazing that Marc gets to stay home with our children, and build so many fun memories with them. And the thankful part of me is grateful to even have a home with hardwood floors that echo every tiny noise so that I can't sleep in past 7 am.
Long story short, I am thankful. And grateful, and blessed, and honored that God has even chosen me to do anything for Him, in His Name. The days when I feel dishonored at work, like I have no purpose....I can choose to believe the same things I would believe if I were a full time mom/homemaker and struggling with the fact that "no one sees" what I do all day or the significance of it. I choose to believe that whatever thing I do, great or small, significant or insignificant, easy or difficult, if I do it for Christ and for His Name's sake, nothing is lost.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
You didn't think I was going to stop at 200, did you?
This poor blog has been so neglected. Since Marc started his part time evening job, I have no more energy for writing...all my brainpower is sucked out the window or something. But I have a surge of energy right now (or maybe it's just adrenaline but either way, I'll take it!) so I thought I'd jot down some of my thoughts.
1st thing, and this is a much longer story than just this simple sentence, but we are moving to Alabama next Thursday!! It's a very exciting move for us and very much all in God's timing and I don't feel like spending the rest of my night talking about moving so I won't. Moving post coming soon to a blog near you. But tonight...I want to talk about being yourself. Or myself. Or whatever makes more sense to you as you read this poor neglected blog.
Talking to my friend on the phone tonight, I was reflecting on how 3 years ago, I never would have pictured me in this place I'm in right now. I was still dealing with "friendship" issues with other women, stuff left over from childhood/schooldays that caused me to fear rejection and all the weird things that go along with that. I hated going to women's groups, hated trying to think up something to say so I wouldn't sound stupid, hated feeling that awkward silence when someone else feels awkward too. Fast forward a few years, and here I am. Nowhere near perfect...but I feel I'm really growing as a person. As much as I've hated having to work full time instead of being home with my precious children, I know that my job is probably one of the biggest things that has helped me really learn & grow.
What makes me feel like this all of a sudden? Not sure. I guess I was thinking about how I would have reacted to certain situations "back in the day" and I suddenly realize those things just aren't issues anymore. I wonder if part of this growth has just come from the forced patience you learn as a mom of young ones, too. When you haven't slept in 4 days, then what so-and-so thinks about me today because I didn't dress up for Bible study doesn't seem to matter so much anymore. :)
This past year, I finally feel like "me." I mostly feel confident and secure in who I am and where I am going in life. And it is pretty darn good! I know a lot of these changes have been because of my fantastic husband, and just all the learning that comes as a normal part of marriage. 12 years together have taught me a lot...and honestly, when I look back at that woman 12 years ago, I have no idea why he even picked me. You talk about nerds? Biggest one on the planet, right here. I don't even think I really knew what fun was until I married Marc. And now, here I am, turning out to be a bit of fun myself...and he's collecting playing cards for a hobby. Isn't that hilarious? Maybe we've switched roles a little--ha ha! :)
Everything I wrote in the last 10 minutes seems like a lot of rambling, but I'm not going to bother to even go back & re-read any of it. This will be like one of those "stream of consciousness" posts on all those really cool blogs, except it isn't. Cool, I mean.
Thanks for listening, or reading, or whatever. Maybe I can get this blog to 300 posts by the end of this century, wouldn't that be great?
P.S. My baby turns 1 year old in exactly 1 month. That just can't be possible. The End.
1st thing, and this is a much longer story than just this simple sentence, but we are moving to Alabama next Thursday!! It's a very exciting move for us and very much all in God's timing and I don't feel like spending the rest of my night talking about moving so I won't. Moving post coming soon to a blog near you. But tonight...I want to talk about being yourself. Or myself. Or whatever makes more sense to you as you read this poor neglected blog.
Talking to my friend on the phone tonight, I was reflecting on how 3 years ago, I never would have pictured me in this place I'm in right now. I was still dealing with "friendship" issues with other women, stuff left over from childhood/schooldays that caused me to fear rejection and all the weird things that go along with that. I hated going to women's groups, hated trying to think up something to say so I wouldn't sound stupid, hated feeling that awkward silence when someone else feels awkward too. Fast forward a few years, and here I am. Nowhere near perfect...but I feel I'm really growing as a person. As much as I've hated having to work full time instead of being home with my precious children, I know that my job is probably one of the biggest things that has helped me really learn & grow.
What makes me feel like this all of a sudden? Not sure. I guess I was thinking about how I would have reacted to certain situations "back in the day" and I suddenly realize those things just aren't issues anymore. I wonder if part of this growth has just come from the forced patience you learn as a mom of young ones, too. When you haven't slept in 4 days, then what so-and-so thinks about me today because I didn't dress up for Bible study doesn't seem to matter so much anymore. :)
This past year, I finally feel like "me." I mostly feel confident and secure in who I am and where I am going in life. And it is pretty darn good! I know a lot of these changes have been because of my fantastic husband, and just all the learning that comes as a normal part of marriage. 12 years together have taught me a lot...and honestly, when I look back at that woman 12 years ago, I have no idea why he even picked me. You talk about nerds? Biggest one on the planet, right here. I don't even think I really knew what fun was until I married Marc. And now, here I am, turning out to be a bit of fun myself...and he's collecting playing cards for a hobby. Isn't that hilarious? Maybe we've switched roles a little--ha ha! :)
Everything I wrote in the last 10 minutes seems like a lot of rambling, but I'm not going to bother to even go back & re-read any of it. This will be like one of those "stream of consciousness" posts on all those really cool blogs, except it isn't. Cool, I mean.
Thanks for listening, or reading, or whatever. Maybe I can get this blog to 300 posts by the end of this century, wouldn't that be great?
P.S. My baby turns 1 year old in exactly 1 month. That just can't be possible. The End.
Monday, May 16, 2011
200
No, not 200 things you wished you knew about me. (breathe a sigh of relief!) 200 posts on this blog. Probably would have been a lot more had I not started working full time 2 years ago, but oh well. I'm not in it for the numbers. Over the last few weeks I've had so many pictures & posts I've wanted to put here, but I've had to spend my time on other things. Such is life!
3 kids are busy. 3 kids and 3 jobs is even busier. Needless to say, I withdrew from "university" this summer. There was absolutely no way that was going to work out and in the words of Kenna, "That's just ok!" I prayed for God's will and He made it clear. Moving on to the next thing!
Lately I am almost overwhelmed thinking about the responsibility of raising these 3 blessings of mine. When they are babies, it seems easier somehow. All I'm concentrating on are diapers, feedings, and snuggling. Now, it's "so-and-so's not my best friend anymore because he always gets into trouble" and "what is hell?" These questions are not as easily answered. I'm finding I'm spending more time in God's Word and books from those I trust and less time the places you used to find me. Each day I'm practically running to Him for help. I just can't do this on my own--training these young ones is exhausting--but oh-so-worth-it!
Marc just got a new job, working at our church 4 nights a week. We are basically swapping out duties--he picks me up, we have about 10 minutes at home and then he leaves for work. It is great because it forces me to have quality time with the kids. But wow, is it tiring! The good news is that I can sleep more because I don't have to wait up for anyone. He is really enjoying this new job, and I'm enjoying watching him enjoy. Did you enjoy that? :)
One of my favorite things about moving to WV is that it has forced us to do a lot of things we may not have chosen for ourselves. Marc has taken on several roles he never thought he would--and finding that he really likes the new roles. I am gaining a thorough understanding of what it means to work all day and then come home to be bombarded with husband-kids-housework-etc and just crave 15 minutes to myself to wind down. Having virtually no friends in this town, we have re-become each others' best friend. Evenings spent together have been so rewarding and fun, and our marriage has grown stronger. I see both of us responding more patiently, more selflessly. At least most of the time... :) I wish that we would/could have learned some of these lessons 8-10 years ago. How much richer our relationship would be! But then, there's always the possibility that it is only because of the hardships we've been through together that we now know the right way to respond. Hmm.
I wish I had something wise and profound to write about tonight, but I'm just too tired. And the baby is crying. Something about teeth coming in...and why do both girls have to teeth at once? Every time? It just doesn't seem right.
Emi is 8 months old tomorrow. I could say "where does the time go?" but you're tired of hearing that. She is crawling around like a crazy baby. One minute she's right there, the next she is in the bathroom because she heard the bath water running (loves her bath!). We finally bought her a dresser this weekend. She still lives in the closet but at least now she has a proper place for her clothes. Those 3 drawer clear Rubbermaid bins only last so long. She has 3 teeth and 1 on the way. Only 4,286 more teeth to go. I jest...
Zach "graduates" from preschool next Wednesday. I watched some young kids get on the bus this morning and thought to myself, "He is not going to school in August and he is most certainly not riding the bus." But...he will be doing all those things, and without me. I'm not ready yet. I know this will come as a shock to those of you who really know him, but his new favorite topic is weather. (Maps, geography...it only makes sense that weather would be next.) Unfortunately for us, that results in some obsessions with bad weather and feeling scared. And since it does nothing but rain where we live, I had to get creative. Last week when it started to storm, I told him that every time he heard thunder or saw lightning, he should say, "God loves me." Cheesy, yes, but I had a feeling it would work. So far, so good. He still gets nervous so he says it all run together, like "Godlovesme." Melts my little heart. Also, we are re-learning first time obedience because Mom/Dad have slacked off apparently. We are discussing telling the truth and that character means that you do what's right no matter if anyone is watching you. Did I mention this is exhausting? I'm sure my mom is chuckling under her breath as she reads this...
Kenna. Maybe we should skip the paragraph about Kenna. She's two and a half. All we do is first time obedience. It's hard to do without laughing at her, and she knows it. She tries to get us to laugh now which makes it even harder to be serious. Bundle of joy and wonder--she is so caring and loving. One of her new favorite things to do is "give a present." She takes her owl blankie, wraps up a little board book she has, like a present. And says, "would you like to open it with me?" Then we both have to open it together and we both say, "Wooowww" with a very surprised face. She wants to do this over and over for about 20 minutes. Then she gets tired of it for about 5 minutes, and then we start again. I'm enjoying all her playacting...it forces me to be more creative with her and to really engage myself. Her other new favorite thing is for me to put her hair into pigtail braids. I did this one night after bath and she was so excited...now that's the only way she wants you to do her hair! I have many pictures, and maybe in the next 2 weeks I'll post some. (Just being real, this is my life. Sorry!)
I think we covered everyone in the family so now you have the update. It might be the last 2011 update since we're going to be very tired this year. Ha! Trying to get out of debt and stay out, and we're very determined. You don't know how tempting it is to just rush out and buy a second vehicle... But last week I paid off a credit card, and that feeling was so much more rewarding than driving around a new minivan. Or so I keep telling myself.
It's 8:33 and that's my cue to put jammies on and go to sleep. I am thankful I even made it through this blog post. I also got to nurse my baby to sleep for (I'm sure) one of the last times ever in my life. I complained earlier about the teething thing, but it was pretty special to just sit in the darkness with her and watch her sleeping so peacefully. It's always nice when that happens and it's not 2 in the morning! I am thankful for Nabisco because without them it wouldn't have been possible to eat the 5 Chips Ahoy! cookies I just ate. I'm thankful that my husband works so hard to take care of our family. I've never met a more hard-working man, such a servant. So blessed!
3 kids are busy. 3 kids and 3 jobs is even busier. Needless to say, I withdrew from "university" this summer. There was absolutely no way that was going to work out and in the words of Kenna, "That's just ok!" I prayed for God's will and He made it clear. Moving on to the next thing!
Lately I am almost overwhelmed thinking about the responsibility of raising these 3 blessings of mine. When they are babies, it seems easier somehow. All I'm concentrating on are diapers, feedings, and snuggling. Now, it's "so-and-so's not my best friend anymore because he always gets into trouble" and "what is hell?" These questions are not as easily answered. I'm finding I'm spending more time in God's Word and books from those I trust and less time the places you used to find me. Each day I'm practically running to Him for help. I just can't do this on my own--training these young ones is exhausting--but oh-so-worth-it!
Marc just got a new job, working at our church 4 nights a week. We are basically swapping out duties--he picks me up, we have about 10 minutes at home and then he leaves for work. It is great because it forces me to have quality time with the kids. But wow, is it tiring! The good news is that I can sleep more because I don't have to wait up for anyone. He is really enjoying this new job, and I'm enjoying watching him enjoy. Did you enjoy that? :)
One of my favorite things about moving to WV is that it has forced us to do a lot of things we may not have chosen for ourselves. Marc has taken on several roles he never thought he would--and finding that he really likes the new roles. I am gaining a thorough understanding of what it means to work all day and then come home to be bombarded with husband-kids-housework-etc and just crave 15 minutes to myself to wind down. Having virtually no friends in this town, we have re-become each others' best friend. Evenings spent together have been so rewarding and fun, and our marriage has grown stronger. I see both of us responding more patiently, more selflessly. At least most of the time... :) I wish that we would/could have learned some of these lessons 8-10 years ago. How much richer our relationship would be! But then, there's always the possibility that it is only because of the hardships we've been through together that we now know the right way to respond. Hmm.
I wish I had something wise and profound to write about tonight, but I'm just too tired. And the baby is crying. Something about teeth coming in...and why do both girls have to teeth at once? Every time? It just doesn't seem right.
Emi is 8 months old tomorrow. I could say "where does the time go?" but you're tired of hearing that. She is crawling around like a crazy baby. One minute she's right there, the next she is in the bathroom because she heard the bath water running (loves her bath!). We finally bought her a dresser this weekend. She still lives in the closet but at least now she has a proper place for her clothes. Those 3 drawer clear Rubbermaid bins only last so long. She has 3 teeth and 1 on the way. Only 4,286 more teeth to go. I jest...
Zach "graduates" from preschool next Wednesday. I watched some young kids get on the bus this morning and thought to myself, "He is not going to school in August and he is most certainly not riding the bus." But...he will be doing all those things, and without me. I'm not ready yet. I know this will come as a shock to those of you who really know him, but his new favorite topic is weather. (Maps, geography...it only makes sense that weather would be next.) Unfortunately for us, that results in some obsessions with bad weather and feeling scared. And since it does nothing but rain where we live, I had to get creative. Last week when it started to storm, I told him that every time he heard thunder or saw lightning, he should say, "God loves me." Cheesy, yes, but I had a feeling it would work. So far, so good. He still gets nervous so he says it all run together, like "Godlovesme." Melts my little heart. Also, we are re-learning first time obedience because Mom/Dad have slacked off apparently. We are discussing telling the truth and that character means that you do what's right no matter if anyone is watching you. Did I mention this is exhausting? I'm sure my mom is chuckling under her breath as she reads this...
Kenna. Maybe we should skip the paragraph about Kenna. She's two and a half. All we do is first time obedience. It's hard to do without laughing at her, and she knows it. She tries to get us to laugh now which makes it even harder to be serious. Bundle of joy and wonder--she is so caring and loving. One of her new favorite things to do is "give a present." She takes her owl blankie, wraps up a little board book she has, like a present. And says, "would you like to open it with me?" Then we both have to open it together and we both say, "Wooowww" with a very surprised face. She wants to do this over and over for about 20 minutes. Then she gets tired of it for about 5 minutes, and then we start again. I'm enjoying all her playacting...it forces me to be more creative with her and to really engage myself. Her other new favorite thing is for me to put her hair into pigtail braids. I did this one night after bath and she was so excited...now that's the only way she wants you to do her hair! I have many pictures, and maybe in the next 2 weeks I'll post some. (Just being real, this is my life. Sorry!)
I think we covered everyone in the family so now you have the update. It might be the last 2011 update since we're going to be very tired this year. Ha! Trying to get out of debt and stay out, and we're very determined. You don't know how tempting it is to just rush out and buy a second vehicle... But last week I paid off a credit card, and that feeling was so much more rewarding than driving around a new minivan. Or so I keep telling myself.
It's 8:33 and that's my cue to put jammies on and go to sleep. I am thankful I even made it through this blog post. I also got to nurse my baby to sleep for (I'm sure) one of the last times ever in my life. I complained earlier about the teething thing, but it was pretty special to just sit in the darkness with her and watch her sleeping so peacefully. It's always nice when that happens and it's not 2 in the morning! I am thankful for Nabisco because without them it wouldn't have been possible to eat the 5 Chips Ahoy! cookies I just ate. I'm thankful that my husband works so hard to take care of our family. I've never met a more hard-working man, such a servant. So blessed!
Monday, May 2, 2011
Can we boast?
"You may think you can condemn such people, but you are just as bad, and you have no excuse! When you say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condemning yourself, for you who judge others do these very same things. And we know that God, in his justice, will punish anyone who does such things." Rom 2:1-2
I'm grateful that a man who chose to do so much evil can no longer do it. However, I wish hell on no one. Jesus said whoever hates his brother is a murderer. So, I am just as guilty as Osama. Maybe the consequences to my sin are not as great as his, but I am guilty, no question. "No one is righteous, not even one." Rom 3:10
"For no one can ever be made right with God by doing what the law commands. The law simply shows us how sinful we are. But now God has shown us a way to be made right with him...We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are.
"For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God's glorious standard. Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins." Rom 3:20-24
"Can we boast, then, that we have done anything to be accepted by God? No." Rom 3:27
I'm grateful that a man who chose to do so much evil can no longer do it. However, I wish hell on no one. Jesus said whoever hates his brother is a murderer. So, I am just as guilty as Osama. Maybe the consequences to my sin are not as great as his, but I am guilty, no question. "No one is righteous, not even one." Rom 3:10
"For no one can ever be made right with God by doing what the law commands. The law simply shows us how sinful we are. But now God has shown us a way to be made right with him...We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are.
"For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God's glorious standard. Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins." Rom 3:20-24
"Can we boast, then, that we have done anything to be accepted by God? No." Rom 3:27
Friday, April 22, 2011
Before noon
I was walking in to work this morning from my car across the parking lot…it is cold and rainy and I shivered. And then I thought, “Was Jesus cold on the cross? Did He even feel the temperature amidst all the other pain?” Oh, how He suffered. For me. I’ve been reading the story in Matthew; this year it seems to pierce me through and through all that He went through. The mocking, the torture. The sleepless night before, praying, “…but not my will be done. Your will be done.” Knowing early the next morning all that He would endure.
He was crucified before noon. Not sure why that never struck me before. Even the revolutionaries crucified on either side of him mocked him, Matthew says. People walked by Him and said, “if you are the Son of God, rescue Yourself!” He was so unconcerned with His own reputation, His own name. He honored His Father with His obedience, even to death on a cross. At noon, darkness fell. For three hours, it was dark…Jesus felt the rejection of His Father. “why have you abandoned me?” And yet He obeyed, for the joy set before Him, endured the cross, scorning its shame.
After that, He shouted and released His spirit. The curtain tore in two, the earth shook, rocks split apart, and tombs opened. Godly people who were dead came out of the cemetery and appeared to people in the city. And the people said, “this man truly was the Son of God!”
He suffered such agony, so that I could live. So that you could live. Suddenly, it doesn’t matter so much, this cold wind and rain. The smoke in my apartment they can’t get rid of. This blemish on my chin that really hurts.
Such love, that overcomes every obstacle, every chain, every sin…and rushes me to His side. I am overwhelmed.
He was crucified before noon. Not sure why that never struck me before. Even the revolutionaries crucified on either side of him mocked him, Matthew says. People walked by Him and said, “if you are the Son of God, rescue Yourself!” He was so unconcerned with His own reputation, His own name. He honored His Father with His obedience, even to death on a cross. At noon, darkness fell. For three hours, it was dark…Jesus felt the rejection of His Father. “why have you abandoned me?” And yet He obeyed, for the joy set before Him, endured the cross, scorning its shame.
After that, He shouted and released His spirit. The curtain tore in two, the earth shook, rocks split apart, and tombs opened. Godly people who were dead came out of the cemetery and appeared to people in the city. And the people said, “this man truly was the Son of God!”
He suffered such agony, so that I could live. So that you could live. Suddenly, it doesn’t matter so much, this cold wind and rain. The smoke in my apartment they can’t get rid of. This blemish on my chin that really hurts.
Such love, that overcomes every obstacle, every chain, every sin…and rushes me to His side. I am overwhelmed.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
A message to my peeps (not the marshmallow ones)
I can't come up with a title for this post, but I might by the end of this. Got a whole lotta things going on...
- Registered for classes yesterday. Feeling old. Might be a good thing that I'm only taking online classes this summer. Feeling a little nervous that I don't have this in me. But I guess all I can do is try, right?
- Going to bed at 10 pm every night. It feels weird, but good all at the same time.
- Emi turned 7 months on Sunday. She grew a lot today; her face looked different when I got home from work. I hate it when that happens because then I definitely know I missed out on stuff while I was working.
- Reading some really great books, all of which send me to my Bible for more reading. I like that. Elisabeth Elliot is my new favorite author of all time. That woman has a lot to share and a lot to give.
- Amy Carmichael is my new hero. Or heroine? That just sounds too much like the drug so let's just go with hero. She's in heaven with Jesus now so I doubt she cares what I call her. I don't know that I've ever had a hero before (other than my mom who is still my hero). I like this too.
- PixyStix. Grape ones. That your husband finds hiding on the top of the fridge for you when you mention how there is nothing left to eat in the house. That have an expiration date of Nov 2011 on them which makes you wonder how long they have been there, and how long, exactly, PixyStix last on the shelf. But, oh, the wonder of it!! Takes me back to when I was 11 and used to ride bikes up to Colonial Pharmacy in Sarver, PA. 25 cents would get you one of those really big fat PixyStix things. And a whole lotta sugar buzz.
- Do you ever wonder what Jesus did for fun? I do. We were created in His image, after all, and so there's got to be some sense of humor or desire to have fun there, right? So what do you think He did? Volleyball? Communist Church? (just kidding) Tic tac toe? It's something to think about, for sure.
- I'm not all fun and games, either. I've got a ton of serious stuff going through my mind and heart right now, but none of it that I can share (yet?). I hope whatever He's doing in me is for keeps.
- All 3 of my kids want singular quality time with me when I get home from work each night. It's challenging. Oh, and impossible. Did I mention impossible? To share a bit of the drama with you, last night I ate my dinner (wonderfully cooked by my adoring husband by the way) with Kenna on one knee, Emi in the other arm, trying to scoop corn and rice into my mouth while missing Kenna's face/hair with the tines of my fork, and keeping the plate away from Emi who is now grabbing everything in sight. Oh, and from time to time Emi would dive bomb my shirt because she wanted to nurse. It is nothing short of a miracle that my plate did not crash to the floor. Hard to describe but trust me, it was funny!
- Talked to my dad on the phone tonight. A rare few minutes when neither of us had anything to do but talk to each other. It was wonderful.
- I saw a sweet potato (yam for all you southerners) that was as big as my head tonight at Kroger. No lie. I would have taken a picture to prove it to you but I was talking to my dad. Now that I'm thinking about it, I should have just bought it to show my son. Maybe I could get him to eat the BIGGEST SWEET POTATO EVER.
- I caught myself looking around the house for inspiration for something to write about, which is a sure sign that I need to end this post. (I always do this when I was sending tokbox video messages to my sister, and funnily enough, she would do the same thing to me. You know you did, Jacque...)
I'm almost 100% sure that I will not be writing here again before Resurrection Sunday. Please, have a blessed weekend with your families...as we celebrate our Savior's death, burial, and resurrection, remember the suffering, the sacrifice He made so we could live eternally. And then remember that our sins are buried forever with Christ and we have been made alive in Him!! Oh, Happy Day, Happy Day!
Grace and peace to you all. My peeps.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Shh.
" 'In quietness and in confidence shall be your strength.' I think the devil has made it his business to monopolize on three elements: noise, hurry, crowds. If he can keep us hearing radios, gossip, conversation, or even sermons, he is happy. But he will not allow quietness. For he believes Isaiah where we do not. Satan is quite aware of the power of silence. The voice of God, though persistent, is soft...Let us resist the devil in this by avoiding noise as much as we can, purposefully seeking to spend time alone, facing ourselves in the Word...Satan is aware of where we find our strength. May he not rob us!" --Jim Elliot, in a letter to his family during his college days
I am reading this book about the life of Jim Elliot (Shadow of the Almighty), the quote above is from pg 85. There is so much wisdom that can be gleaned from the life of this missionary, who died at an early age at the hand of a primitive Indian tribe. Challenging, to say the least. I have to read it in bits and pieces, mostly due to time constraints, but honestly, there is much to think on after I read.
One thing this has convinced me of: I need to re-start writing in my journal. And I need to write more paper letters. Email is great, but what does it leave behind for others? Yes, I suppose I can hope that this blog might "endure," ha ha, but really, probably not. Unless someone knows this little ol' blog exists, chances are good that it remains mostly anonymous.
Yet there are things I do not wish to write for the world wide web to see, things my heart is pondering, that one day I might wish for my daughters to know about as they begin their journey of motherhood. Those things may be missed because I am too busy, or because my email password got lost.
So, I begin. A cheap little journal from BAM and I'm ready to go. Yes, I did need a new one, because I have no earthly idea where my others are.
Oh, and on the silence passage above? I felt compelled after I read that passage to return to my hotel room (traveling for work this week) and NOT turn on the tv at all. Do you have any idea how hard that is? When you are traveling alone, the tv is like company. It really doesn't matter what's on, the point is, someone is there with you.
Seriously, I about fell off my bed just typing that when I realized how ridiculous that sounded. "the tv is like company." Really? I clearly have some issues with quiet and just "being." I thought it was interesting that Jim said (speaking of the devil) "For he believes Isaiah where we do not." Because, isn't the absence of practicing something an unbelief in that practice? If I really believed the Bible, wouldn't I act like it was true for me, at all times?
Read your Bible, pray every day, and you'll grow...grow...grow.
I am reading this book about the life of Jim Elliot (Shadow of the Almighty), the quote above is from pg 85. There is so much wisdom that can be gleaned from the life of this missionary, who died at an early age at the hand of a primitive Indian tribe. Challenging, to say the least. I have to read it in bits and pieces, mostly due to time constraints, but honestly, there is much to think on after I read.
One thing this has convinced me of: I need to re-start writing in my journal. And I need to write more paper letters. Email is great, but what does it leave behind for others? Yes, I suppose I can hope that this blog might "endure," ha ha, but really, probably not. Unless someone knows this little ol' blog exists, chances are good that it remains mostly anonymous.
Yet there are things I do not wish to write for the world wide web to see, things my heart is pondering, that one day I might wish for my daughters to know about as they begin their journey of motherhood. Those things may be missed because I am too busy, or because my email password got lost.
So, I begin. A cheap little journal from BAM and I'm ready to go. Yes, I did need a new one, because I have no earthly idea where my others are.
Oh, and on the silence passage above? I felt compelled after I read that passage to return to my hotel room (traveling for work this week) and NOT turn on the tv at all. Do you have any idea how hard that is? When you are traveling alone, the tv is like company. It really doesn't matter what's on, the point is, someone is there with you.
Seriously, I about fell off my bed just typing that when I realized how ridiculous that sounded. "the tv is like company." Really? I clearly have some issues with quiet and just "being." I thought it was interesting that Jim said (speaking of the devil) "For he believes Isaiah where we do not." Because, isn't the absence of practicing something an unbelief in that practice? If I really believed the Bible, wouldn't I act like it was true for me, at all times?
Read your Bible, pray every day, and you'll grow...grow...grow.
Friday, March 25, 2011
I've been thinking a lot
Is it a lot or alot? Hmmm...too bad I don't care enough to actually look it up in a dictionary. ha ha
Yes, back to the thinking. See, I have so many things I could write in this public space, but each time I try I erase it all & tell myself, "maybe in a few more days." It feels so ridiculous to say something like "God's been talking to me so much." It almost feels preachy and irreverant and cocky. I think it should be worded more like "I'm listening to God more." Because He's never stopped talking to me; it was always me who was not listening well.
The practices in this book are changing me. "Make thankfulness your sacrifice to God...giving thanks is a sacrifice that truly honors me..." is what He tells me (Psalm 50). It's not a trite statement or a silly habit. It changes a person, from the inside out. Don't get me wrong, I am NO saint. It seems like the closer I get to Him, the more I experience a desperate need for Him. The more I know His ways for me, the more I realize that I "have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." (Rom 3:23) Without His daily grace, I am nothing.
So...I have just typed 2 completely different paragraphs, neither of which is fit for print or web, and erased them both. This is one of the things I have been learning. To weigh each word carefully....I definitely do not always succeed. But I'm finding with practice that more words are left unsaid on purpose and my heart changes with the discarding of them. Instead, I try to speak His Words. "As pressure and stress bear down on me, I find joy in Your commands." Psalm 119:143
The things I learned from Ann Voskamp's words...they leave me grasping for air, grabbing for my Lifeline and wondering whether I can survive the hard things I am being asked to do. Giving thanks is easy to do when life is good. You get a raise? Thanks, Lord! Have plenty of food in the fridge? God, You are so good! But what about when things take a turn? "Lord, I thank you because my best friend has cancer." Umm...? "God, I am so grateful I had a really horrible week at work." Not so much.
But I am challenging myself. The concept of a gratitude journal seems very tween-ish to me, like something I would have done (or probably did) when I was 12. I didn't care, though; I bought one anyway. A little $2 notebook that I keep in my purse, right next to my pocket Bible (the New Living Translation is my favorite). I'm up to 56 things right now. Some thankful thoughts come easier than others. A few days a week I struggle to find ways to thank Him, but I always can. It's not a Pollyanna attitude, it's a new way of thinking. Not pie-in-the-sky, but a true view of my reality, good or bad, and then like a glass of water in the face it hits you, this blessing. And then, that one. I find that it comes easier each day.
1. Chocolate chip cookie making with my kids
6. Daughters in dresses
13. Free lunches
17. Prayer calendars
19. Being remembered
23. The joy of losing weight
24. Free cake
32. Baby teeth and milestones
39. A God who does not change like shifting shadows
44. Turquoise necklaces
45. Men who translated the Bible
49. Six bowls of Honey Bunches of Oats
(yes, the irony is not lost on me with #23 and #24...funny because I wrote them on different days & didn't realize!)
When I first visited A Holy Experience and witnessed Ann's counting of gifts, I thought, "oh, well, that's so sweet that she keeps track of the things she's thankful for." I had absolutely no idea what it would mean for me. I have a feeling that this little notebook will be my Bible's companion and that I am now forever destined to carry around a large purse. ha ha
Gifts, they are all gifts. From the greatest Giver in the world.
Yes, back to the thinking. See, I have so many things I could write in this public space, but each time I try I erase it all & tell myself, "maybe in a few more days." It feels so ridiculous to say something like "God's been talking to me so much." It almost feels preachy and irreverant and cocky. I think it should be worded more like "I'm listening to God more." Because He's never stopped talking to me; it was always me who was not listening well.
The practices in this book are changing me. "Make thankfulness your sacrifice to God...giving thanks is a sacrifice that truly honors me..." is what He tells me (Psalm 50). It's not a trite statement or a silly habit. It changes a person, from the inside out. Don't get me wrong, I am NO saint. It seems like the closer I get to Him, the more I experience a desperate need for Him. The more I know His ways for me, the more I realize that I "have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." (Rom 3:23) Without His daily grace, I am nothing.
So...I have just typed 2 completely different paragraphs, neither of which is fit for print or web, and erased them both. This is one of the things I have been learning. To weigh each word carefully....I definitely do not always succeed. But I'm finding with practice that more words are left unsaid on purpose and my heart changes with the discarding of them. Instead, I try to speak His Words. "As pressure and stress bear down on me, I find joy in Your commands." Psalm 119:143
The things I learned from Ann Voskamp's words...they leave me grasping for air, grabbing for my Lifeline and wondering whether I can survive the hard things I am being asked to do. Giving thanks is easy to do when life is good. You get a raise? Thanks, Lord! Have plenty of food in the fridge? God, You are so good! But what about when things take a turn? "Lord, I thank you because my best friend has cancer." Umm...? "God, I am so grateful I had a really horrible week at work." Not so much.
But I am challenging myself. The concept of a gratitude journal seems very tween-ish to me, like something I would have done (or probably did) when I was 12. I didn't care, though; I bought one anyway. A little $2 notebook that I keep in my purse, right next to my pocket Bible (the New Living Translation is my favorite). I'm up to 56 things right now. Some thankful thoughts come easier than others. A few days a week I struggle to find ways to thank Him, but I always can. It's not a Pollyanna attitude, it's a new way of thinking. Not pie-in-the-sky, but a true view of my reality, good or bad, and then like a glass of water in the face it hits you, this blessing. And then, that one. I find that it comes easier each day.
1. Chocolate chip cookie making with my kids
6. Daughters in dresses
13. Free lunches
17. Prayer calendars
19. Being remembered
23. The joy of losing weight
24. Free cake
32. Baby teeth and milestones
39. A God who does not change like shifting shadows
44. Turquoise necklaces
45. Men who translated the Bible
49. Six bowls of Honey Bunches of Oats
(yes, the irony is not lost on me with #23 and #24...funny because I wrote them on different days & didn't realize!)
When I first visited A Holy Experience and witnessed Ann's counting of gifts, I thought, "oh, well, that's so sweet that she keeps track of the things she's thankful for." I had absolutely no idea what it would mean for me. I have a feeling that this little notebook will be my Bible's companion and that I am now forever destined to carry around a large purse. ha ha
Gifts, they are all gifts. From the greatest Giver in the world.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Some things you should know about me
- I do not like truffles (the chocolate kind). I'd rather have a caramel or something with chocolate/nuts.
- I'm not ready for my oldest to be in kindergarten. Enough said.
- I wonder most days if what I do really makes a difference to anyone.
- I hate matchy-matchy things. I want furniture that doesn't come from a set, decorations picked up from here and there. This is, of course, when I actually live somewhere that I can decorate. Currently my walls are renter-white with no pictures hung.
- I used to think I loved the mountains more, but my heart belongs to the Midwest. The rolling prairies, the "big sky," the gorgeous sunsets and sunrises....I want to be there forever. I think that is what heaven will be like for me. And my closest mansion-owning neighbor will be 45 acres away from me.
- I also want my children to grow up close to their grandparents. Which means I'm going to have to wait til heaven for my beloved prairie life.
- I love Bacos. You know, those fake bacon flavored bits? Yes, I know it is "hydrogenated something-or-other" but I just like it. Blame it on my sister in law who introduced me 12 years ago. :) I also do like real bacon bits on my salad, but if I'm given a choice, it will be Bacos all the way. (p.s. I cannot find Bacos in my city any more...feel free to send me some)
- I do not understand why God sovereignly placed me in America. Why should I deserve any better than the 95% of the rest of the world who live so differently? I'll spend my days figuring out why and trying desperately to make a difference whereever I can.
- About to re-read my copy of One Thousand Gifts. This book has changed my life, in the best of ways. It will be the best $10 you ever spend, I promise you that.
- I love turquoise. I want to buy everything I see that is this color. Porcelain birds, necklaces, placemats, belts, throw pillows.
- I am ashamed when I think of all the years I spent arguing with my husband about stupid things. The number of times I ruined an afternoon drive or a trip to Chicago because I wanted to do things "my way." I can only hope that I can grow and change to be the wife he needs me to be.
- God delights in me. He loves me, He treasures me. I cannot believe most days that He brings Himself down to my level to speak to me. That the God of the Universe, known and unknown, would lower Himself, become a baby that grows into a man just so we could know that "He was tempted in every way, just as we are, and yet was without sin." It's more than I can take in.
What should I know about you?
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