Mommies with Grace

I've had this post on my mind for quite some time. It's a tricky one to share. I'm talking about Stay at Home Mommies (SAHM) vs. Working Mommies...and just the word "versus" makes me angry. :) I know that none of us actually "say" that we are at odds, but the truth is that I don't think we know how to act around each other.

I've been both, for a decent period of time, so I guess I feel I've seen both sides. I'm even experiencing an interesting version of Working Mommy right now because my amazing husband is a SAHD and cooks and cleans.

So, here's the thing I've been dying to say. I've waited because I wanted to be able to share it with grace and peace and love. NEITHER ONE IS HARDER THAN THE OTHER.

Did you get that? Let me say it again: NEITHER MOMMY JOB IS HARDER THAN THE OTHER. They. are. both. hard.

A few thoughts, & then I'll jump into some pointers for "the other side." I know that a lot of people have opinions on "what is always best" for mothers and their children. I had some pretty strong opinions myself a few years ago. Please, please please. Can we give each other some grace? Because I know I need it....

The Stay at Home Mommy's World

This is a difficult road to walk. Staying at home with your kids is what you always dreamed of, right? Those glorious mornings when you would leisurely wake up at 8, make a healthy breakfast for your little sweethearts, spend the morning reading and learning Latin. WRONG! More like, your day starts at 5:30 a.m. when a 2 year old climbs into your bed (if not earlier when you are nursing a little one), you stumble into the kitchen, MAKE COFFEE, turn on Barney, and sit on the couch and pretend you're awake while your kid says, "Mommy, watch THIS!" Then when they won't quit bothering you, you drag yourself off the couch, pour them a bowl of Froot Loops, and wonder how you're ever going to make it through this day.

The reality is, you have hard days even when you aren't in a corporate environment. It's still a struggle to get out of bed every day and feel purposeful in the dishes and the laundry and the endless "Mommy, watch THIS!" You know that God has called you to train them and teach them, but you have no idea how to do it, much less do it well. You feel like an utter failure when 4:30 p.m. rolls around and the house looks like you haven't touched it all day, you totally forgot to put your roast in the crockpot and the only thing left to eat is peanut butter on a spoon. Except all the spoons are dirty...

Dinner, bath time, Bible time, bed time. Didn't think you'd make it this long. Fold the 2 loads of laundry you somehow managed to wash during the day, set them outside the rooms to be put away in the morning, load and run the dishwasher, balance the checkbook, put the baby down, and then finally, blissfully, it's your time.


The Working Mommy's World

Yuck. Even now, I think about this world, and I want to stick out my tongue at it. It's the world I'm currently in...not by choice, although I am learning to find joy every day in my new role. The thing about the Working Mommy's world is that it's different for every WM. Some of us work part-time from the home (a "status symbol" in my mind...still hard but at least you are mostly home with the kids!), some of us work part-time out of the home, and still others full-time outside the home. Some of us choose to work, others of us feel forced to work.

We didn't dream about waking up early, squeezing in a nursing session with the newborn, hurry up and ignore the older ones in order to get a shower so you look presentable for work. Rush through getting ready, get your coat on, pick up the baby to get one last breath of that beautiful "baby scent" only to get thrown up on and have to completely change clothes. Late for work again, this time with no breakfast. And we drive to work (or are driven to work in my case), checking work email on the way there to anticipate the next "crisis," all the while wondering "How on earth am I going to make it through this day?"

Is there really a purpose in those daily and weekly reports, the last minute "I've got to have that number!" and "Your action plan for increasing cash collections is due by Friday."? Most of us don't think so. We wonder if the baby is adjusting to his morning nap or if our 2 year old is feeling better since she was up half the night with a toothache. Lunch is a scarfed down bag of microwave popcorn around 1:30, and next thing you know, it's 4:30 and that report didn't get turned in on time. Fail, fail, fail.

Get home from work (the lucky ones have at least 15 minutes in the car before being attacked by the kids). Get attacked by the kids, nurse the baby, read stories, get attacked by the kids. Desperately try to get 5 minutes to breathe. Hide in the closet. Be found in the closet. Try to find humor in the fact that your kids want to be with you on the floor in the closet. Give up, help with baths, Bible time, bed time. Finally scarf down the cold remains of supper while collapsing on the couch. Sometimes do dishes and fold laundry, balance the checkbook. And then, it's You-time.


See what I mean? Still hard. Just different-hard.

A couple of things to take away from my tongue-in-cheek post. One, there is no way I could ever do justice to a single mom's lifestyle. Way, way, way, way, WAY harder than anything I just mentioned. Props to those of you who do it, with God's grace and strength. He will carry you.

Two, we need to do a better job of reaching out to "the other side" of women. It's really hard, I know. For a long, LONG time, as a working mom, I felt like it wasn't even worth it to meet other moms because I knew I didn't have much to give. I couldn't meet for coffee after dropping the kids off at school, or have a playdate at the park. Not to mention that even if I remembered to call my friends in the middle of the day, I simply couldn't while I was working. We need to learn to love each other well, even when we can't completely relate to the other's current lifestyle. It's a work in progress for me.

Three, we are different. But different is okay. As much as I would love to stay that God "calls all women to stay at home with their children," I can't. Because if I said that, does that mean I'm disobeying God right now? A lot of you know my story, but basically it was "homelessness" or "Mommy goes to work." Not so hard to make that decision when you know your kids eat 2 tons of food every day.

A few challenges to SAHM: 1) Realize that while you are just as busy as the working mommy, you have more "free time." Enjoy it. Use it wisely. Doing dishes and folding laundry is pretty mindless. Take charge of that time and use it to pray for others, or meditate on God's word. 2)Also, reach out to a working mommy you may know. A quick call to say, "I'm thinking of you," means more than you ever know. Even if you know she won't or can't answer the phone, taking 2 minutes out of your day to do that is a such a blessing. 3) Try not to complain too loudly about being at home all the time. Others are desperately wanting to be where you are.

A few challenges to Working Moms: 1) Be thankful for the time you get "outside of the house." Whether by your choice or by necessity, you get to be with other adults for awhile. See it as a blessing. God is giving you a chance to be Salt and Light in the world. Don't forget that others' eyes are always watching to see how you respond to situations. 2) Make an effort to be a friend. Continue your old friendships, or try to find a new friend. Don't let your loneliness drive you away from other women. You need community! A quick phone call to your SAHM friend means a lot to them, too. She realizes that you are busy, but knowing you thought of her makes her feel special! 3) Don't make SAHM feel "less than" because they don't bring home a paycheck, or they don't "do as much as you do." Their role is just as vital as yours, and they work just as hard. Remember that you get appreciated and usually paid! And they often do not.

What do you think, ladies? Can we show grace to each other? Thanks for reading.

Untitled

In the stillness,

You are there.

I want to be there, too.

A few of my favorite things

My husband's face when he gets a brand new atlas.

Baby Emmy snuggled up on my chest once she finally surrenders to sleep.

Zach, hair all rumpled, tripping over his feet into my room at 11:15 pm to tell me he had a bad dream, that "the moon gave special powers to his green night light and it turned into a white night light." I hope that's as scary as his dreams ever get.

Tucking him in, praying over him, rubbing his head until he falls asleep just like my mom used to do for me. Closing my eyes and feeling her hand gently on my own head once again...

Kenna's scrunched up little face saying very distinctly, "no, I don't!" to anything she doesn't like or doesn't want you to do. And then smiling so wide that you instantly forget what she just said to you.

My work laptop back from the dead, miraculously healed with no files missing after a dreadful battle with my glass of Mr. Pibb. I've been teased this week about naming my laptop. I think I shall call her "Lazarus."

Getting good news about a friend out of surgery.

Realizing that life doesn't consist of the stuff I have. It is what I am and Who I know. It is the life I pour into others that will forever make a difference. And the knowing that generations will reap what I sow...I can pass on a curse or a blessing to those I will never know.

That song from Sara Groves that I just quoted. :)

Crispy, soft, cheesy, melty hashbrowns from Schwans, made with love by my love of 11 years. No one makes 'em better.

Finding fulfillment in where you are in life, no matter if it's where you thought you would be.

Realizing that I can still do anything I set my mind to. And at 30, I still have my whole life ahead of me, God willing.

Date nights, trying new foods, laughing, slurping up Sonic drinks together.

My life is full. My heart is full. I am blessed.

More power to ya

Have you seen that silly commercial for I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!? "Turn the tub around..." That's what I feel this week has been for me. Turn it all around for better. Cheesy, yes. True, also yes.

This week I had one of the hardest days of parenting and life. A day I didn't think I would make it through. A day where extremely harsh words were spoken by a tired momma to her frustrated children. Milk was spilled, tears were spilled. A day where (I am sure) my staff IM'd each other something like "watch out!" Not my finest moment.

A few days before, I had spent some time in reflection and decided that I really haven't been spending enough time reading God's Word (read: have hardly opened my Bible in several weeks). I know I have all sorts of excuses, a new baby being one of them. But I've noticed some weakness lately. I easily yell at the kids, quickly snap an undeserved comment to my husband, cranky and irritable. Sure, I could be getting more sleep, but that's never a guarantee in this phase of life.

So I decided that I was going to not read any fiction books during the month of December. I wanted to be able to use whatever reading time I had available to meditate on Scripture and bring my heart back to health. "O taste and see that the Lord is good." "How sweet are your words to my mouth, like a honeycomb." I've done this exercise before, and usually the first several days are more like discipline. Hard, dry, a little painful. (I decided to start a few days early, since I obviously needed some help, fast!)

But, oh, the sweetness of the Word of God for me! My spirit soaked up His Word like a desert in the springtime rains. Little pieces of wisdom, tucked away for another moment. I love His Word. So true, so pure, so just.

I've been thinking alot about my weakness and what it can do to show God's strength to the world. Sure, we all have bad days, but it's what we do with our rough edges that can bring glory to His Name.

Loving this old Petra song this week:
(Lyrics by Bob Hartman)

You say you've been feeling weaker, weaker by the day
You say you can't make the joy of your salvation stay
But good things come to them that wait
Not to those who hesitate
So hurry up and wait upon the Lord

More power to ya
When you're standing on His word
When you're trusting with your whole heart in the message you have heard
More power to ya
When we're all in one accord
They that wait upon the Lord, they shall renew, they shall renew their strength

Jesus promised His disciples He'd give strength to them
Jesus told them all to tarry in Jerusalem
When they were all in one accord
The power of His Spirit poured
And they began to turn the world around

So be strong in the Lord, in the power of His might
Put on all His armor and fight the good fight
In all of our weakness, He becomes so strong
When He gives us the power and the strength to carry on

Hideouts

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty." Psalm 90:1

Fathers make the best forts, don't you think?

You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. Psalm 32:9

...For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. Psalm 27:5

Shortcuts

It's 6 a.m. and my body wants to go back to sleep. This little sweetie slept from 8:45 p.m. until 5:15 a.m., when I had to wake her up to feed her. All you nursing moms can sympathize with me! :) The good news is that I slept from 9 p.m. to 5 a.m. The longest sleep I've had since last January!!

Lately, I've been trying to train myself to look for the good, to "in everything give thanks." Not just because it's Thanksgiving time, but because it's good for my soul.

Yesterday after work, we had to venture downtown to visit the courthouse. I'm not even sure I can properly explain what I was after, but it was some piece of paper affidavit that basically said I didn't live in Monongalia County, WV, in 2008. Apparently, in order to renew your license plate & get that little sticker of approval, one has to have this document to prove you have paid all your personal property taxes.

So, in WV, you have to pay personal property taxes on homes, mobile homes, boats, RVs, vehicles, and dogs. Yes, there is a dog tax. What's up with that? Good thing I didn't get a dog last Christmas like I wanted...

Back to the thankfulness thing: So we were headed downtown to the courthouse, which was open until 7 on Mondays. I didn't really want to go (who ever wants to go do this kind of stuff?), but having only one car makes you do things you don't want to do at times you don't want to do them. Since all the WVU students were gone for Thanksgiving break, the traffic downtown was pleasantly light and we found the street easily. And just as easily passed the courthouse...so we had to turn around.

Of course, almost every street is one way so it was quite the trek to make it back to where we were and then we got stuck on some "major" side road where not even 1 car made it through each traffic light. No joke. I found myself getting seriously frustrated and had one of those moments where I say things that I regret about 15 minutes later. I actually told my husband he's not allowed to take shortcuts in WV because this place is stupid and every shortcut he takes ends in disaster or a 20 minute extra drive. And even though it's true--this is not the first time he's tried a "shortcut"--it should not have been said. Especially out loud. So I apologized to him and said "well, what can I be thankful about instead?" He said with a smile, "nothing--just be bitter." Crazy man! He always knows how to make me laugh...I LOVE that about him! But bitter isn't better.

If you've ever visited my town, you'll know that there is no point in thinking about shortcuts. Yes, it might look like that small little road will cut through the mountainy-windy roads so that you don't have to go 2 miles to technically go half a mile. But it won't work, not ever. Each time I've tried to "cut through" somewhere or take a turn early because the traffic lights were backed up, it has ended in disaster. One way streets, one way alleys that appear to be streets, crazy triangular intersections...

And I wonder if that doesn't have a parallel to the rest of my life, too. It's so easy to want to take shortcuts. To get frustrated with the bumper to bumper traffic, the day to day "kids-are-screaming-who-wants-dinner-who-forgot-to-take-something-out-of-the-freezer-guess-we'll-have-to-drive-to-McDonalds" craziness. I get tired of waiting in lines, tired of waiting for my dreams to happen in God's timing, and I just want OUT, now. So I take some back road that looks like it will go where I want. Only it doesn't go there, and now I'm stuck in a bigger mess and it takes me twice as long to get back where I started.

When life gets hard, I'm going to try not to take a shortcut. I want to be in this place in my life until I've learned everything God has designed for me to learn...to drink deep the cup He has given me. Does this early morning rambling make any sense to you? If not, just know I'm going to be okay.

Happy Tuesday...

Time is....ticking away

At church today, our pastor started a sermon series called "Rust." He took the title from Matthew 6, the passage that says "Don't store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust corrupt, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven..." Not an exact quote but I'm too lazy to get my Bible out at the moment!

Pastor ___ (believe it or not I actually just forgot my pastor's name) was talking about (Oh yeah it's Tim! Sorry...), well he was talking about how awesome it is that God allows us to use physical/earthly things to build up that treasure in heaven. And not only that, but he commands us to build up treasure there. Kinda seems like the opposite of what we've always been taught, not to "hoard" and stuff...

He said we'll be talking about several ways to use earthly means to build up this heavenly treasure--this week we talked about: 1 guess...TIME. A little ironic that I just had this on my heart (yesterday's blog)? I think not! Proof positive that God speaks to you anywhere, anyway, anyhow. He CARES about you and me!!! It's so amazing.

The sermon pretty much cracked me up, because it was almost word for word what God had said to me last night during my whining. Pastor Tim talked about 3 misconceptions we have when it comes to TIME. I'd like to share them with you because I think they were awesome.

1. We don't have ENOUGH time. The truth is, we all get the same amount of time in our day. We might not have the same number of days in our lives, but we all get the same 24 hours...and we have enough time to do the things God has called us to do. It's a matter of us making those things a priority, and where I use my time shows the world what I really value to be important.
2. It's OUR time. The days and weeks we have do not belong to us. We were bought with a price (1 Cor 6:20). We were saved to live for Christ (2 Cor 5:14-15)...so the hours we use to fill our days should be used to honor God.
3. We'll have MORE time. It's an easy thing to forget that our lives are fleeting...everyone is appointed to die and no one knows when that time will be. We need to understand what the Lord's will is and then be under the influence of God's Spirit. (James 4:15, Eph 5:15-18)

Then he did this illustration (This is originally by Stephen Covey in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and this video is of him, I believe) that proves that when you fill your day with the Big Rocks first (Big Rocks being The Important Things That Matter for Eternity)...you'll always have enough room for the little rocks (all the day to day things that absolutely must get done--eating, sleeping, cleaning, working, etc). I've seen the illustration more than once, but it always amazes me to see it again. Stephen Covey talks about other, more work-related stuff, but the same application can be used when thinking about eternal vs earthly stuff.

I've definitely been struggling with time management lately. It's hard not to feel overwhelmed, honestly, when I think about the demands on my time or my day. But I've started really asking God for help and I'm trying to fit the Big Rocks in first. Time with God, time with Marc, time with kids, work, rest. Everything else I'm just fitting into the holes left over. It's not perfect and I don't do it right every day...but what a difference already!

And for fun, I leave you with this video. Because I know all of you DC Talk fans immediately thought of it anyway when you read my blog title.

The first song is Walls, but skip to 2:25 to get that great song we all remember...