Sad

Can I just be sad today? I go through phases of grief...I think that this move to a new house and all that entails has helped me to not "think" so much. But it just hit me again today how sad I am about losing another baby.

People have told me they think we are strong because of all we have been through, and I think in a small way they are right--we've had a lot of practice at this kind of grief. But mostly, we've just learned Whom to hold on to. Our hope is in God, in our Savior Jesus Christ.

But just because we know that God works all things for our good according to His purpose, doesn't mean that disappointments won't come our way and that we won't suffer any on this earth.

I have to remind myself that it's ok to be sad, to grieve for this lost little one. It's ok. To take a few moments and honor the life that God allowed us to be part of creating, even for a short time.

The hardest times are those a few months after a loss, when the "news" of it has died down. You are still grieving, but everyone else has forgotten or just moved on. Your heart cries out to remember your little one and you want everyone else to remember too.

And, though I am happy for them, it's hard to see my friends announce their pregnancies, with due dates around the same time. I don't begrudge their happiness, not for a second. It just makes me sad to realize again all that is lost. All the excitement of hearing the heartbeat, seeing that tiny body through the ultrasound, finding out "girl" or "boy." Feeling the flutters of the first movements, rubbing my belly, bumping my belly into everything, using my belly as a table.

Yet, I am so thankful. I have not been left alone to deal with my loss. I am not forgotten. I am not betrayed, or forsaken. It was prophesied about Jesus:

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. - Isaiah 61:1-3

"The Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love." Psalm 147:10