Tuesday, October 27, 2009

A moment

If you'll allow me a personal moment...

I'm hurting today. Should have been 25 weeks pregnant, should already have known whether it was a "he" or a "she" kicking the crap out of me. Should be enjoying the belly rubs and back aches.

It's a hard thing when it feels like everyone around you is pregnant.

Sometimes I'm still asking why. It just doesn't make sense. 5 babies I won't know til heaven.

p.s. no stupid comments please. i don't want to deal with any single men who don't have a clue what i'm dealing with and always have something smart to say. it's my blog & i'll cry if i want to. if you don't like it, there's a red "x" at the top of your page. click it.


Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The new

"He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God." Psalm 40:3

"You will be called by a new name that the mouth of the Lord will bestow." Isaiah 62:2

"His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you a heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26

"A new command I give you: Love one another." John 13:34

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17

"You were taught...to put off your old self...to be made new in the attitude of your minds, and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians 4:22-24

"But in keeping with his promise we are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth, the home of righteousness." 2 Peter 3:13


Change is hard. And yet, without change, life would be boring. Without change, we'd still be cooking over an open fire and living in the woods somewhere....instead of this nice house I have with an electric stove I can turn on and off at will. Or mailing letters to each other instead of emailing and facebooking.

Even when we are the ones who desire change (and not someone else imposing change on us), the transition can be hard. Frustration with the old way helps pave the path for the new way, but the new way is still bumpy.

I brought myself back to God's Word tonight because it renews my mind. It penetrates to my very soul, looking past the crazy hormones, past the way-too-tired brain, past my lack, past my failures. It looks at the "me" that God sees, and reminds me of His truth. I need His truth.

Even though this new path is exciting, and blessed...still I struggle. I miss my kids. I miss being the homemaker. I miss the more relaxed way of life and training my kids' character, even on the hard days. I miss cooking. :) I don't know this new role....it's not somewhere I've been before. I don't know how to be "the husband" and yet not be The Husband. It feels weird to leave my clothes on the floor for someone else to pick up because I'm too tired, and strange to not be the one doing endless dishes and laundry.

So even after a really good day at work, I came home a bit frustrated and sad. I don't want all my kids to see of me to be "the tired mommy who works all day." Not sure how to fix that yet.

And then my husband, a man of few words, sticks his face in mine as I'm contemplating all these things and starting to whine a little on the inside. He says, "Thanks for working. I just wanted you to know."

So maybe I'll embrace the new. Not just stick my toe in the water, but jump in and get soaking wet. Sometimes it's more fun when the wave just knocks you over and you come up laughing because you didn't expect it. He knows the way, and I can trust fully in Him.