I worked 5:30 am to 5:30 pm--a hard 12 hours where nothing went right, everything was my department's fault (which I am ultimately responsible for) and 2 patient complaints to Administration AT THE SAME TIME. Literally both of my phones ringing and both calls were from different people in administration, at the same time people waiting outside my door to answer questions, etc, etc, etc. The last 45 minutes of those 12 hours, I dragged my hobo-looking kids around (all 3 in one double stroller because 2 out of 3 kids did not have shoes on), while I completed my work at the hospital. Stopped by the cafeteria to give them all bribes of chips because I just needed to survive til I can get us all out the door and hopefully not look foolish to anyone in Administration on the way (failed by the way, of course we passed someone looking at me like I was insane). Get home to start homework with Z, and he's whiny and doesn't want to do homework. And Emi is coloring on every homework page, and Kenna has decided to eat her chips and Emily's, and I resort to sticking Emi in front of the TV watching Caillou. I eat my cold supper of plain noodles that I dip in the cold spaghetti sauce with meat, while I stand at the stove. Literally eat out of the pots in between giving spelling words. Finally get them bathed and almost in bed--whoops, forgot the milk for the last minute drinks before bed. So trudge out to the back 40 of the garage to the landlord's fridge because mine is still not working because no one has time in my family to call a repairman. Kick a cockroach HARD on my way out to the garage because these things are going to be the death of me one day and I hate them and it's not fair that they try to live in my house and I shouldn't have to pay money to a bug guy to keep them out so I don't but I still feel infested in the winter and it's not fair. Come back in with the milk, girls drink it, Zach's in the tub, bring the milk back out to the garage. Go to tuck girls into bed, and Emi has a stinky diaper, which of course absolutely had to wait until she was wearing a fresh diaper (there goes another 25 cents for nothing!). Change her, come back, calm the girls down, try not to threaten them too much to stay in their beds because Kenna playacted one day not too long ago with her doll who was taking a nap and said "You'd better stay in that bed, or I'm going to kill you!" No, I have NEVER said anything like that to her, not even close, but just because I didn't use those words, did my tone convey that to her? and Oh my God (praying now), do I really sound like that? and if so, Lord, really I need help here! Come back to get Z out of the bath and he whines about getting out of the bath just like he whined going into the bath, and I finally quietly say, "Mom's had a really really really bad day. Can you just please wash your hair, get dressed and go to bed without any fussing? Just this once?" Get Z in bed and think about how I let Emi watch Sprout for almost 2 hours before bed because I couldn't balance both her and the older 2 with homework and how Zach ate his bag of chips, then a banana, and then more tortilla chips he found somewhere and maybe I'm not doing a good enough job of making sure healthy food is available, and maybe if that stupid fridge were working in my house instead of in the garage we would eat better. And no wonder why I'm starving because all I had to eat all day was a small bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, a 20 oz Pepsi and a tiny bowl of soup at lunch. And "Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death??
One of those days where you just feel like giving up, throwing in the towel and vegging on the couch in front of the mindless tube. But I'm not giving up!!! God told me not to, twice, specifically 2 weeks ago on a Wednesday and a Sunday. Days that will burn into my heart like other times He has spoken through people and things to teach me stuff about how to grow up.
"Thank GOD!!!! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 7:24-25
So...the Palm tree
"But the godly will flourish like palm trees and grow strong like the cedars of Lebanon. For they are transplanted to the Lord's own house. They flourish in the courts of our God. Even in old age they will still produce fruit; they will remain vital and green. They will declare, 'The Lord is just! He is my rock! There is no evil in Him!' " Psalm 92:12-15
4 things I learned about the palm tree from my pastor
- The roots of the palm tree will continue to grow if any part of the tree is cut down...the tree will re-grow and send new shoots out.
- The tree bends, but won't break. Storms could bend the tree over almost doubled, but it will eventually stand back up straight again like it never happened. The more the tree bends under the weight of the wind and rain, the greater the yield of the fruit.
- The root system of the tree goes straight down searching for water. Often the roots of the tree are deeper than the tree is tall.
- The palm tree produces fruit even in old age--it is continuously fruitful.
What do you think? If I'm honest I want to say that I'm not 100% sure all these things are true, although it sounds pretty good. I don't have hours to spend researching all this stuff. But I will say that in life, the principle seems to be true that the more we are tested, the more we find out who we really are and what we're made of. In this case, I find out that I am nothing. And without Christ, I have nothing and might as well give up trying. But "Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord." I can declare that He is MY rock, and He is just. I can go to bed now, hopefully not feeling that this day was wasted, because I decided to redeem it by declaring that this day was not wasted. He is going to make something out of this day, whether I can see anything good in it yet or not.
Tonight I am grateful to be turning out the light soon...grateful that when I set my alarm it is going to say something ridiculous like "your alarm is set to go off in 7 hours and 22 minutes" and that this will be the most sleep I get this week, grateful that I have a cell phone to use as an alarm. Grateful that I have all my fingers and can type all this out and not leave it in my spirit, grateful that although my supper was cold, I did get to eat. Grateful that tonight it was not raining when I had to go out to the back 40 of the garage...grateful that the cockroach flew really far when I kicked it and it really did make me feel a little better to kick it like that. Grateful that though my job is stressful this week, I have Friday off and that I even have a job to go to each day to help provide for my family. Grateful, just grateful.