Friday, June 19, 2009


It's weird. I usually don't let a month go by without posting anything. But it's been a good season of quiet for me. Next post I will update you with some pictures--we've had some good ones over the last month.

Kenna is 9 months now, crawling, pulling up & cruising everywhere. She is a curious one and gets into everything. Zach was also curious, but she just has this look about she is headed for trouble. It's cute now, but I'm sure it will get interesting! She's babbling a lot more, shrieking, smiling, laughing. Just making us love her like crazy.

Zach is growing up. He's tall and so smart. I'm amazed at the stuff he comes up with these days, and loving how he expresses himself. He's really starting to think about some abstract concepts...keeping me on my toes! He was watching Robin Hood (Disney) with Marc a few weeks ago, and said, "Dad, but Robin Hood is stealing. That's not okay, right?" He just doesn't miss a beat! His chocolate brown eyes will melt my heart every time.

For Marc & I, life is busy. Hard, exciting, challenging--all at once. We found out several weeks ago we were expecting another baby, a huge surprise since I am still breastfeeding Kenna. (Yes, we knew it could happen, just didn't think it would...) Shocked does not even begin to cover it. :) But then, the shock wore off and we were just very excited. We started to plan for this new little one. Living in a 2 bedroom house was most certainly going to have to be the first thing to go! So....we're moving! Still renting, and still in Knoxville, but now it's a 3 bedroom house with beautiful yards, no stairs, and did I mention it has 3 bedrooms? :) We'll be moving next month and it can't come soon enough!!

But we did get some bad news this week. It seems that this baby is not to be. For reasons we will never understand, we have lost this little one. I wish I could say that this gets easier to deal with the fifth time around, but it's still so hard to deal with, to process. After the experience with Kenna and discovering I had some medical issues that seemed to be the reason for the previous losses, we felt like we were in the clear with this pregnancy. So, needless to say, we are struggling to accept this loss...of what was for just a few weeks, of what could have been for the rest of our lives.

I say all this, hoping that I do not make you uncomfortable in any way. I know that miscarriage is a part of people's lives that often remains hidden, and for good reason. It IS uncomfortable. It is private. People don't know how to respond--what to say, what not to say. Often times I find myself seeking to comfort someone else I have just told about our loss, because I have found a way to cope, but it's still shocking to them. (I guess I'm doing that now...ha ha ha.)

Just know that I am sharing this because you all who read my blog are a part of our lives and we love you. We would covet any prayers you might wish to pray for us. And also know that we will be okay. We know and fully believe that God is holding us in the palm of His hand. He will never leave us or forsake us. He is walking this difficult path with us. We may never understand this side of heaven what purposes and plans were accomplished with this suffering, but in everything, we just want His will for our lives.

(The following applies to us, but I know that it would also apply to anyone else who is hurting with a similar loss...) If you would like to do something besides pray, there are a few things we have found that help us during difficult days. A meal, a babysitter so Marc & I can have some alone time to talk or just laugh together, an outing with or without the kids to keep my mind occupied. (But sometimes it's hard for us to ask for help when we're hurting; if you want to help, it's always helpful for us if you have an idea already in mind, rather than just say "let me know if there's anything I can do." We believe in your sincerity in wanting to help; it's just hard for us to ask specifically.)

Hug your kids a little tighter tonight, okay? I know I am snuggling with mine, holding to these days so closely...they are going by quickly. We love all of you and pray you are doing well so far this summer!


mandy_moo said...

(((HUGS))) for you. It always helped me feel better to talk about my losses, though I found that some people didn't want to talk to me anymore after I told them about my losses.

Erica said...

i love your heart and your honesty. i think you minister to more then you realize with your gift of honesty (yes, it's a gift). i know i don't understand either why stuff like that happens but i also know you and your family are so blessed and favored by God. i'm excited to see pics of your new place, and for all the extra room you will have!

Janet said...

I would love to take you out to lunch - then for a pedicure - then to a movie - then we'll get some ice cream, maybe even do some shopping - how does that sound? We'll leave all the kids with Jeremy. wouldn't that be great?!! If only we could be in the same place at the same time...hmmm I love you tons and was blessed to read your blog - and have been wondering when you would write again, I figured you were still feeling like a fitted sheet for the last month. you know my heart is with you - but I'm also so glad for your new house!!! Can't wait to see pictures :-)