The van that drove me from the airport to my hotel yesterday morning, also conveniently passed by a semi with a huge Jujyfruits logo on it. I haven't been able to think of anything else since. A nice co-worker drove me to Target tonight so I could indulge my craving. I know it's not healthy, but sometimes you just have to indulge, right?
17 weeks today (dr changed my due date back to 10/4 last week). That's just crazy. At 17 weeks with Kenna was the day I found out she was a girl. I find myself wondering about the sex of this baby. As much of a surprise as it will be to me, I am amazed to think that at the moment of conception, God the Creator already knew whether my growing embryo was boy or girl. And as I think back on my other two children and how they were in the womb (and how that has translated as they grow), I wonder about this baby. Baby Hmmm is quiet and considerate. He/she doesn't keep me awake at night kicking like the other 2 did. I think that my placenta must be in the front this time around, because I literally only feel the baby kick me in the butt. It's definitely weird.
I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. (I know, vague, right? Sorry...) I have some things brewing on the inside...things that other people have urged me I "should" do, that I never thought I should do. Now I'm thinking more...and praying more. We'll see. (How's that for clearing it up?) :)
Have a great night. Enjoy this weird post, while I enjoy some Jujyfruits. (anyone want the black ones?)
Monday, April 26, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Hmmm....
Baby Hmm, that is!
Meet Baby Hmm (pictures below). It has really taken me 4 weeks to scan these pictures. Poor kid...he/she probably won't have a baby book either (like Kenna)!
So...for all who are dying to know, or for those who aren't: Baby Hmm was a surprise to me and Marc. We know God wasn't surprised, and apparently Zachary wasn't either. About a week before I found out I was pregnant, Zachary said to me out of the blue: "Mom, when are we going to go back to the hospital to get my new baby brother?" Marc & I just looked at each other & laughed. It turns out he might be a little bit prophetic? We'll see when we find out whether boy or girl next month!
I am officially due October 6, but will have the baby by c-section on 9/29 if not earlier. With my blood clotting complications & having to be on blood thinners, it's important to make sure that I am off them for a certain length of time before having surgery. I'm not all "for" a scheduled delivery, but my babies tend to come when they want anyway, so we'll see. (Zach was born at 38 wks and Kenna at 37 wks.) My guess is that sometime in September this little one will make his/her appearance! And yes, a c-section is necessary at this point. I've already had 2 due to previous complications, and to ask for a VBAC at this point is like saying "I'd like to deliver without a doctor present," because no doctors in this country will accept the risk. Unfortunately.
It's completely true that all pregnancies are different. In my case, the nausea with this one was the worst out of any I've had thus far. I am eternally glad that I am past the 1st trimester, and I know my family is too! I had some complications around 7 weeks right after seeing the heartbeat for the first time which led me to believe I would lose this baby. I was devastated, yet at the same time, the few friends who I had shared my pregnancy with refused to believe that answer. I was out of town when this occurred and couldn't see my doctor until Monday. I was mostly terrified to hope anymore (after 5 previous losses), but my dear friends continued praying for me and believing for a miracle. God really taught me something through those long 4 days of waiting...and I decided that I WOULD pray for a miracle. Monday morning showed up, and so did that little heart, beating away! I know that all children are a miracle, but for me, my babies are Living Testimonies of God's grace.
So now I am 16 weeks along. It is strange at this point, because aside from a few flutters and some random baby movements, I almost forget I am pregnant. My job and my family keeps me so busy that I hardly have time to dwell on it. I come home each night & practically fall into bed--and the nights I don't, I end up falling asleep on the couch at 7 pm. :)
Zachary and Marc are both hoping for a boy (Zach wants a brother and Marc says "boys are just easier."). I have to gently remind Z that Baby Hmm could still be a girl, and then he says, "Yeah, Mom, but remember: Baby Hmm could still be a boy, too!" Oh, the logic of a 4 year old! I almost forgot--the name Baby Hmm was bequeathed by Zachary, too. Marc asked him (before we found out we were pregnant) what he would name his baby brother and he said, "Hmm...." Too funny! So this little one has been "baby Hmm" ever since!
Ok, well, now you know why I wasn't able to ride my favorite carnival ride last month, and you've bravely made it through my novel about the first 4 months of my pregnancy. It's a good thing I hardly have time to blog anymore, or you would be tired of reading about me! Please enjoy a few (4 weeks old) pictures of our newest:
Waving "hi" (this is the right hand/arm on its way up to the face, the head is hiding a little)
12 weeks 1 day Profile shot. This looks eerily similar to Kenna's profile picture from 11 weeks. Guess we'll see which kid this baby looks more like...
and apparently this little one likes to put its hand to its mouth already (again, just like Kenna)! You can also see the little knees/legs/toes there to the right.
Meet Baby Hmm (pictures below). It has really taken me 4 weeks to scan these pictures. Poor kid...he/she probably won't have a baby book either (like Kenna)!
So...for all who are dying to know, or for those who aren't: Baby Hmm was a surprise to me and Marc. We know God wasn't surprised, and apparently Zachary wasn't either. About a week before I found out I was pregnant, Zachary said to me out of the blue: "Mom, when are we going to go back to the hospital to get my new baby brother?" Marc & I just looked at each other & laughed. It turns out he might be a little bit prophetic? We'll see when we find out whether boy or girl next month!
I am officially due October 6, but will have the baby by c-section on 9/29 if not earlier. With my blood clotting complications & having to be on blood thinners, it's important to make sure that I am off them for a certain length of time before having surgery. I'm not all "for" a scheduled delivery, but my babies tend to come when they want anyway, so we'll see. (Zach was born at 38 wks and Kenna at 37 wks.) My guess is that sometime in September this little one will make his/her appearance! And yes, a c-section is necessary at this point. I've already had 2 due to previous complications, and to ask for a VBAC at this point is like saying "I'd like to deliver without a doctor present," because no doctors in this country will accept the risk. Unfortunately.
It's completely true that all pregnancies are different. In my case, the nausea with this one was the worst out of any I've had thus far. I am eternally glad that I am past the 1st trimester, and I know my family is too! I had some complications around 7 weeks right after seeing the heartbeat for the first time which led me to believe I would lose this baby. I was devastated, yet at the same time, the few friends who I had shared my pregnancy with refused to believe that answer. I was out of town when this occurred and couldn't see my doctor until Monday. I was mostly terrified to hope anymore (after 5 previous losses), but my dear friends continued praying for me and believing for a miracle. God really taught me something through those long 4 days of waiting...and I decided that I WOULD pray for a miracle. Monday morning showed up, and so did that little heart, beating away! I know that all children are a miracle, but for me, my babies are Living Testimonies of God's grace.
So now I am 16 weeks along. It is strange at this point, because aside from a few flutters and some random baby movements, I almost forget I am pregnant. My job and my family keeps me so busy that I hardly have time to dwell on it. I come home each night & practically fall into bed--and the nights I don't, I end up falling asleep on the couch at 7 pm. :)
Zachary and Marc are both hoping for a boy (Zach wants a brother and Marc says "boys are just easier."). I have to gently remind Z that Baby Hmm could still be a girl, and then he says, "Yeah, Mom, but remember: Baby Hmm could still be a boy, too!" Oh, the logic of a 4 year old! I almost forgot--the name Baby Hmm was bequeathed by Zachary, too. Marc asked him (before we found out we were pregnant) what he would name his baby brother and he said, "Hmm...." Too funny! So this little one has been "baby Hmm" ever since!
Ok, well, now you know why I wasn't able to ride my favorite carnival ride last month, and you've bravely made it through my novel about the first 4 months of my pregnancy. It's a good thing I hardly have time to blog anymore, or you would be tired of reading about me! Please enjoy a few (4 weeks old) pictures of our newest:
Waving "hi" (this is the right hand/arm on its way up to the face, the head is hiding a little)
12 weeks 1 day Profile shot. This looks eerily similar to Kenna's profile picture from 11 weeks. Guess we'll see which kid this baby looks more like...
and apparently this little one likes to put its hand to its mouth already (again, just like Kenna)! You can also see the little knees/legs/toes there to the right.
My life
Some pictures from the last month:
I had a business trip in Birmingham, and we had to return a borrowed car back to my in-laws who live very close by. Across the street, we found the cutest little carnival happening. It was Zachary and Kenna's first real amusement park experience, and I think these pictures capture their joy!
This was a lot higher than it looks.
But he didn't care!
One of my favorite rides...I was sad not to be on it! Zach loved it, though...it was truly the longest ride of the night. It seemed to last forever!
Kenna went on the same ride with Nana, but she did NOT like it. :) I think it was a little too close to bedtime for her!
I got to take him to his first rollercoaster while Marc rode some crazy spinning ride. Here he is, cheesing it before the ride started...
...and I'm pretty sure this is one of my most favorite pictures ever of him. He rode this about 5 times.
When we got home, the kids were a little sad to be so far away from Papa and Nana & all the fun adventures. Marc created his own adventure for them...flipping the very deflated, twice-patched, almost-ready-to-die bounce house upside down!
The kids had their very own playhouse. I think Kenna's hair is hilarious in this one!
Let's see...also in the last 6 weeks, we have sweated blood and tears to get our car fixed and returned to us. After 8 weeks of being gone (and a lot of unhappy phone "discussions" with the insurance agent and the repair place) :), we now have our "new" car back. We are so thankful for the time that Marc's parents let us borrow their extra car, but it's wonderful to have our own car home again. We hope it will stay nice and happy here for a long time...with no repairs!
I had a business trip in Birmingham, and we had to return a borrowed car back to my in-laws who live very close by. Across the street, we found the cutest little carnival happening. It was Zachary and Kenna's first real amusement park experience, and I think these pictures capture their joy!
This was a lot higher than it looks.
But he didn't care!
One of my favorite rides...I was sad not to be on it! Zach loved it, though...it was truly the longest ride of the night. It seemed to last forever!
Kenna went on the same ride with Nana, but she did NOT like it. :) I think it was a little too close to bedtime for her!
I got to take him to his first rollercoaster while Marc rode some crazy spinning ride. Here he is, cheesing it before the ride started...
...and I'm pretty sure this is one of my most favorite pictures ever of him. He rode this about 5 times.
When we got home, the kids were a little sad to be so far away from Papa and Nana & all the fun adventures. Marc created his own adventure for them...flipping the very deflated, twice-patched, almost-ready-to-die bounce house upside down!
The kids had their very own playhouse. I think Kenna's hair is hilarious in this one!
Let's see...also in the last 6 weeks, we have sweated blood and tears to get our car fixed and returned to us. After 8 weeks of being gone (and a lot of unhappy phone "discussions" with the insurance agent and the repair place) :), we now have our "new" car back. We are so thankful for the time that Marc's parents let us borrow their extra car, but it's wonderful to have our own car home again. We hope it will stay nice and happy here for a long time...with no repairs!
I have been traveling a LOT for work in the last month. It's starting to wear on me a bit, and it's so hard being away from the kids so long. Marc jokingly told me he needs a pay raise--and he's right! I have one more trip planned next week and then that's it for at least a month. I think. :)
Hmm...what else has been going on? Oh yes! I realized I haven't officially announced this on my blog yet, but.... (to be continued)
Monday, March 1, 2010
Ice cream and Kroger
The last pictures I took were almost 2 months ago. Shame on me! Here are a few favorites from January.
Zachary was so proud of his homemade "lava lamps." My sweet, sweet boy.
And this was the best family picture on New Year's Eve. We have an annual tradition of appetizers and watching a family video, and then we have a "Happy New Year" cake. Both the kids were trying to touch the fire here...
Zachary was so proud of his homemade "lava lamps." My sweet, sweet boy.
And this was the best family picture on New Year's Eve. We have an annual tradition of appetizers and watching a family video, and then we have a "Happy New Year" cake. Both the kids were trying to touch the fire here...
I think that some day my life will return to normal. And then I wonder if I keep waiting for "normal," how much am I missing out on? Got to embrace every second of the day I have.
Today was a good day. Accomplished a lot at work, my kids picked me up, took them for ice cream at McDonald's. Kenna had her first ice cream cone (the really small baby one) and demolished it. She's very much in the "I-do-it-myself-or-I-scream" phase. It's super fun. :) Despite her determination and strong will, she is such a BUNDLE of JOY. She has never met a stranger, waves at everyone, and had every resident of Marc's grandmother's nursing home charmed last week. She has finally started saying real words as opposed to baby babble. Her new favorites are "cheese" (which she says whenever she sees a phone or a camera), "backery" for Zachary, "ma-ma" (mom or dad, whoever is closest), please, "welcome" (for you're welcome and thank you), and "owl" (her lovie/blanket). She just melts my heart about every 5 minutes. I feel bad for all of you who don't get to spend time with her....that's how cute she is.
Zachary got to go to school today for the first time in about a month. We had horrible snow storms in Feb, then the last week/half he spent traveling to AL to see Marc's family and to pick up a replacement car (thank you, in-laws!) for the one that is almost-but-not-quite-totaled from yet another snowstorm several weeks ago. Thank you, Lord, for guardian angels, protection, good insurance, and income tax refunds that pay for premium deductibles. Hard to complain about what we were "going" to use that money for, when I'm just thankful that we had it to begin with. :)
Anyway, back to Zachary. He is 4 going on 14. Talks incessantly, as those of you who know him can vouch for. He is a lover of words and recent lover of the Disney channel. He is in that phase of "if-I-can't-watch-TV-then-I-should-be-able-to-play-a-game-on-the-computer-because-it's-not-the-same-thing." It's heartbreaking when he doesn't get his way. Do you hear my sarcasm? :) He also loves to read, practice his letters, and play with his Hot Wheels cars. His favorite color is light green and his favorite fruit is watermelon. Even in the winter, he wants me to pay $7 for that nasty out of season watermelon. He has gotten very logical, too. Today he said, "I think we're out of something." When I asked him to explain, he said, "we need to go to Kroger. Dad said we're out of something & we need to go there." (totally made up, but funny & logical nonetheless!) We recently had some family pictures done. He was so shy & nervous, told us he wasn't "going to do THAT." Gets up there, and starts giving us these poses like he was born to be a model. Hi-larious!
Marc & I....well, we're surviving. This new life is strange, but it's not altogether bad. Just very, very different! I don't think it will last forever, but we're trying to make the best of it. The most awesome part is the amount of time we've had to reconnect & spend together. Sometimes too much time, considering how we hardly saw each other for 2 years while he worked 2 jobs, but mostly we are really enjoying it. I think this experience, if nothing else, has given us both a WHOLE new appreciation for the jobs the other has been doing. I do love my job, so that is a magnificent plus. If I hated it, I would just be absolutely miserable without my kids all day. I love knowing that they are home with their Dad and not stuck at a daycare or another mother's house. I'm so thankful that at least we're able to have this arrangement and I know that others aren't as fortunate.
If I were a drinking woman, I'd go get a glass of wine, raise it, and toast to "no more snow!" and an early spring. We're tired of the snow around here and ready to play outside! Hope this finds all our friends and family doing well and serving our Lord. Love you!
Monday, February 15, 2010
Musings on the Olympics
I tried so hard to watch the opening ceremonies to the Olympics on Friday night. I got about halfway through & just got too tired & went to bed. But the parts at the beginning I did see left me so touched...all the spectators were cheering for the athletes coming into the stadium. People on their feet, clapping, cheering, smiling, taking pictures. You could feel the atmosphere even through the television.
I got a little teary, and then I started thinking...this is the closest thing I have ever experienced that could even prepare me for what Heaven will be like. "After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people, and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands. And they cried out in a loud voice: 'Salvation belongs to our God, who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb.' " Revelation 7:9-10
I can only begin to imagine what it was like to be part of the crowd at the Olympic Stadium on Friday night...how loud it was, how much unity there was in the building. What an amazing feeling that will be once we get to heaven--to be part of a multitude that "no one could count." Wearing our "racing uniforms" and waving our "flags," giving praise to the Only One Who Deserves Praise.
And then I thought about that other passage in Hebrews 12:1...in chapter 11, the author talks about all those great men and women of faith. Those who have gone before us, paving the way. And then the author of Hebrews says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (12:1-3)
So I picture myself now, not as part of the Olympic crowd, but as one of the athletes. I rush in to the stadium, dressed to compete, waving my team's flag..nervous, but excited about the opportunities ahead. As I get to the front of the line where the cameras are, it hits me that everyone in the world is watching this moment. I panic a little, and then I realize, "these people are cheering for ME." I remember that I've trained hard for this. I know what to do and Whose I am. I throw off every weight, every worry, every bit of nervousness about the race ahead. I know I'm prepared. I fix my eyes on the prize...
I happen to believe very literally in the Bible. I take every word as God inspired, yet sometimes I forget that it really means what it really says. When I think about that passage in Hebrews, I realize....all those famous people of faith--Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Sarah, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Moses--those people I look up to in the Bible & think I could never have as much faith as they do....those people are cheering for ME.
I have the courage and the confidence now to throw it all off...all my losses, all my failures prior to this day no longer matter. It's about here, and now. And about The One I am following.
I got a little teary, and then I started thinking...this is the closest thing I have ever experienced that could even prepare me for what Heaven will be like. "After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people, and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands. And they cried out in a loud voice: 'Salvation belongs to our God, who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb.' " Revelation 7:9-10
I can only begin to imagine what it was like to be part of the crowd at the Olympic Stadium on Friday night...how loud it was, how much unity there was in the building. What an amazing feeling that will be once we get to heaven--to be part of a multitude that "no one could count." Wearing our "racing uniforms" and waving our "flags," giving praise to the Only One Who Deserves Praise.
And then I thought about that other passage in Hebrews 12:1...in chapter 11, the author talks about all those great men and women of faith. Those who have gone before us, paving the way. And then the author of Hebrews says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (12:1-3)
So I picture myself now, not as part of the Olympic crowd, but as one of the athletes. I rush in to the stadium, dressed to compete, waving my team's flag..nervous, but excited about the opportunities ahead. As I get to the front of the line where the cameras are, it hits me that everyone in the world is watching this moment. I panic a little, and then I realize, "these people are cheering for ME." I remember that I've trained hard for this. I know what to do and Whose I am. I throw off every weight, every worry, every bit of nervousness about the race ahead. I know I'm prepared. I fix my eyes on the prize...
I happen to believe very literally in the Bible. I take every word as God inspired, yet sometimes I forget that it really means what it really says. When I think about that passage in Hebrews, I realize....all those famous people of faith--Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Sarah, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Moses--those people I look up to in the Bible & think I could never have as much faith as they do....those people are cheering for ME.
I have the courage and the confidence now to throw it all off...all my losses, all my failures prior to this day no longer matter. It's about here, and now. And about The One I am following.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Beauty for ashes
It's late, but it's quiet. I'm learning to take my new life day by day. I struggle with this new role God has placed me in...not because I don't think I can handle it with His grace, but because it's not one I chose. It doesn't seem to fit (yet). I ache to be home with my kids--playing, changing diapers, cleaning up the milk that spilled again. To be scrubbing who knows what off the kitchen table...would make me happier than any woman in the world.
But (apparently) that's not what God wants for me right now. And I'm learning to give up some of my "what ifs" and to embrace "what is" so that I can be the best Me there ever was. I had a really rough Christmas. I struggled with being very sick, working full time, preparing for Christmas. The "perfect gift" we bought for the kids was damaged when we went to set it up on Christmas Eve....so disappointing. I was so sick that I had to ask my mother-in-law to cook my own Christmas dinner while I sat on the couch. (Thanks, Mama S!) I was very emotional, and all over just down in the dumps. (when I get this way, Marc calls it my being "in the depths of despair." Reminds me a bit of The Princess Bride..."the pit of despair. Don't even try to escape..." ha ha)
Anyway, over the past few weeks, I'm on the mend, the damaged gift is being sent back for a replacement, and my hormones have settled. I'm left with this sense of disappointment, and I've been thinking about it a lot. I mean, really, I have so much to be thankful for. In the scheme of things, compared to 95% of the world, I have no reason to complain. And yet, I have been complaining. I've been discontent...I've been mad.
What is disappointment, really, but just something short of your expectations? That made me think about my expectations--do I have them set unreasonably high? What makes me think that I deserve anything, anyway?
I don't know that any of my ramblings will even help anyone, other than help me get it all out there. Even if no one reads this thing but me. :) I guess I just needed to say it out loud. It's hard right now...ALL my friends and family are long-distance. That stinks when you work full-time and all your friends are stay at home mommys. Not only do I no longer feel connected to that life, but by the time I think about calling, it's 10 pm. I email all day long now at work...to email my friends just feels cold and impersonable. Facebook is an old friend I like to visit for 10 minutes a day. If I don't comment on your page, nothing personal, there's just no time.
Marc & I joked that on Sunday, we'll put an announcement in the church bulletin: "Nice, normal couple in the 3rd row needs friends. Meet us at the coffee cart after service." I know, I know--"you have to be friendly to make friends." Yes, true. But friendly is hard. Sometimes you just want someone to notice you are new and make an effort. And I move so much...honestly, I'm tired of always being the one to make the first effort in friendship.
Not being whiny, just expressing myself. I finally feel at liberty to express myself without cussing anyone out...so you should feel lucky! Ha ha.
I know that all the things my sweet mommy tells me are true, like "this will pass." And, "you've just been through a lot of big changes...don't be so hard on yourself." And believe me, I KNOW I've been negative--especially with my family. But honestly, isn't anyone allowed to really STRUGGLE anymore? To wrestle with their thoughts and feelings without being judged? I guess not...even my friends on facebook are always posting things in their statuses & then posting things to "take it back" because people get mad. Thanks for letting me do that here.
I guess everything I'm trying to say can be summed up by Solomon:
There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:
A right time for birth and another for death,
A right time to plant and another to reap,
A right time to kill and another to heal,
A right time to destroy and another to construct,
A right time to cry and another to laugh,
A right time to lament and another to cheer,
A right time to make love and another to abstain,
A right time to embrace and another to part,
A right time to search and another to count your losses,
A right time to hold on and another to let go,
A right time to rip out and another to mend,
A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
A right time to love and another to hate,
A right time to wage war and another to make peace.
But in the end, does it really make a difference what anyone does? I've had a good look at what God has given us to do--busywork, mostly. True, God made everything beautiful in itself and in its time--but he's left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he's coming or going. I've decided that there's nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life. That's it--eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It's God's gift.
I've also concluded that whatever God does, that's the way it's going to be, always. No addition, no subtraction. God's done it and that's it. That's so we'll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear.
Whatever was, is.
Whatever will be, is.
That's how it always is with God.
--Ecclesiastes 3:1-15
The more I read this passage, the more I take it to be positive and not negative. Yeah, sure, the author was probably depressed. I mean, most of the book of Ecclesiastes is pretty moody. But....I love to serve a God who doesn't show all His cards. Sometimes it's tough figuring out which "right time" it is. Through it all, I remember that I need to "quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear." Whether I agree with His decision or not, it Is. He alone can give me the grace to see beauty where I think there are ashes. He is to be praised!
But (apparently) that's not what God wants for me right now. And I'm learning to give up some of my "what ifs" and to embrace "what is" so that I can be the best Me there ever was. I had a really rough Christmas. I struggled with being very sick, working full time, preparing for Christmas. The "perfect gift" we bought for the kids was damaged when we went to set it up on Christmas Eve....so disappointing. I was so sick that I had to ask my mother-in-law to cook my own Christmas dinner while I sat on the couch. (Thanks, Mama S!) I was very emotional, and all over just down in the dumps. (when I get this way, Marc calls it my being "in the depths of despair." Reminds me a bit of The Princess Bride..."the pit of despair. Don't even try to escape..." ha ha)
Anyway, over the past few weeks, I'm on the mend, the damaged gift is being sent back for a replacement, and my hormones have settled. I'm left with this sense of disappointment, and I've been thinking about it a lot. I mean, really, I have so much to be thankful for. In the scheme of things, compared to 95% of the world, I have no reason to complain. And yet, I have been complaining. I've been discontent...I've been mad.
What is disappointment, really, but just something short of your expectations? That made me think about my expectations--do I have them set unreasonably high? What makes me think that I deserve anything, anyway?
I don't know that any of my ramblings will even help anyone, other than help me get it all out there. Even if no one reads this thing but me. :) I guess I just needed to say it out loud. It's hard right now...ALL my friends and family are long-distance. That stinks when you work full-time and all your friends are stay at home mommys. Not only do I no longer feel connected to that life, but by the time I think about calling, it's 10 pm. I email all day long now at work...to email my friends just feels cold and impersonable. Facebook is an old friend I like to visit for 10 minutes a day. If I don't comment on your page, nothing personal, there's just no time.
Marc & I joked that on Sunday, we'll put an announcement in the church bulletin: "Nice, normal couple in the 3rd row needs friends. Meet us at the coffee cart after service." I know, I know--"you have to be friendly to make friends." Yes, true. But friendly is hard. Sometimes you just want someone to notice you are new and make an effort. And I move so much...honestly, I'm tired of always being the one to make the first effort in friendship.
Not being whiny, just expressing myself. I finally feel at liberty to express myself without cussing anyone out...so you should feel lucky! Ha ha.
I know that all the things my sweet mommy tells me are true, like "this will pass." And, "you've just been through a lot of big changes...don't be so hard on yourself." And believe me, I KNOW I've been negative--especially with my family. But honestly, isn't anyone allowed to really STRUGGLE anymore? To wrestle with their thoughts and feelings without being judged? I guess not...even my friends on facebook are always posting things in their statuses & then posting things to "take it back" because people get mad. Thanks for letting me do that here.
I guess everything I'm trying to say can be summed up by Solomon:
There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:
A right time for birth and another for death,
A right time to plant and another to reap,
A right time to kill and another to heal,
A right time to destroy and another to construct,
A right time to cry and another to laugh,
A right time to lament and another to cheer,
A right time to make love and another to abstain,
A right time to embrace and another to part,
A right time to search and another to count your losses,
A right time to hold on and another to let go,
A right time to rip out and another to mend,
A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
A right time to love and another to hate,
A right time to wage war and another to make peace.
But in the end, does it really make a difference what anyone does? I've had a good look at what God has given us to do--busywork, mostly. True, God made everything beautiful in itself and in its time--but he's left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he's coming or going. I've decided that there's nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life. That's it--eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It's God's gift.
I've also concluded that whatever God does, that's the way it's going to be, always. No addition, no subtraction. God's done it and that's it. That's so we'll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear.
Whatever was, is.
Whatever will be, is.
That's how it always is with God.
--Ecclesiastes 3:1-15
The more I read this passage, the more I take it to be positive and not negative. Yeah, sure, the author was probably depressed. I mean, most of the book of Ecclesiastes is pretty moody. But....I love to serve a God who doesn't show all His cards. Sometimes it's tough figuring out which "right time" it is. Through it all, I remember that I need to "quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear." Whether I agree with His decision or not, it Is. He alone can give me the grace to see beauty where I think there are ashes. He is to be praised!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Nice
You know how your mother always said, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?"
(crickets chirping)
Be back soon, when I have an attitude adjustment.
(crickets chirping)
Be back soon, when I have an attitude adjustment.
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