Friday, May 15, 2009

Don't fight

I will spare you the messy details of my last few weeks, but suffice it to say, they've been rough. I'm not a crying kind of girl, but I've cried hard 4 out of the last 7 days. Really rough.

I'd like to know a few things. What's the deal with mommy burnout and how come no one ever talks about it out loud? Why do I feel like I'm the only one spilling my guts about how rough life can be with young kids? Why do I feel guilty because no one else is sharing, though I know others have to be feeling the same way (or did at this same point in their lives)?

Is it a woman thing? A pride thing? A Southern thing? Somebody, help a woman out!

I've been feeling desperate this week. Among other emotions. :) Responsibility and commitment have kept me at my mommy post, when everything inside me was screaming "I need out!" Apparently, from talking this over with a few very close friends, it turns out I'm not the only one who's been through this. What a relief!

I got some much-needed alone time tonight. It's always hard to know what to do with myself when I am forced to be alone, away from my house. I feel lost, like I don't even know who the real me is anymore apart from PB&J sandwiches or changing diapers or shushing crying babies.

I'm walking this line, it seems, between "I know that this life is not about me being happy and I can be content no matter the circumstances because the joy of the Lord is my strength," and "Somebody let me off this train to nowhere-land because I'm going to lose my mind and this is not what I signed up for when I chose to follow Christ!" It's a really fine line. You know, like those extra-fine ball point pens? Super fine.

Anyway, during my time away, I spent some time reflecting over the ways the Lord has been speaking to me this week. Or trying to speak to me--I've been a little hard-headed and obstinate, feeling like I wanted to do this my way and not His way. Sometimes you've just got to drill it into my head before I really hear it....guess this was one of those weeks.

My girl Celina reminded me (via a random facebook status) that "there is real joy out there...but it doesn't come without some sacrifice of the superficial things that give us temporary happiness."

Then tonight in the car, this Proverbs 31 commercial came on. Normally, these cutesy little stories annoy me, but I happened to listen this time. The woman was talking about a situation with her son who was saying "Why is this happening to me?" (about a necessary medical procedure) And she was thinking to herself, "Yes, why me?" Then she taught her son that God uses our sufferings to teach us things...I believe she said that He teaches us "in the classroom of sufferings." She went on to quote Hebrews 13:5 where God says, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." And 2 Cor 12:9 where Jesus says to Paul, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Ok, God, I'm getting it! I started to realize what my heart already knew but my brain needed some time to absorb. He IS with me, He DOES love me, and I CAN do all things through Christ's strength.

Then, two separate times in the car, this song came on the radio. Normally, I'm super annoyed by the fact that the radio stations feel the need to play certain songs a hundred million times until it gets drilled into your head so much you can't stand it anymore. But, tonight, it was a blessing.

By Your Side
Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you


Organizing Mommy said...

Yes, mommy frustrations do need to be talked about out loud! I totally agree. Sometimes when I've shared my true heart with someone, they have given me glib advice or just thought somehow they were superior since they weren't going through it at the time! I have been through it too! Life has it's stages. The stage you are in right now is the HARDEST one. I have settled in at a resting point, after many years of struggling. I would be the last to judge anyone in this, since I've been through it too. It might be a southern thing also. They aren't given permission to have "real" emotions sometimes! ugh... Finding something you enjoy doing that can refresh you is my practical advice for this time of your life. Even if there is only 1-2 hours a week where you get away from the kids and do something edifying. I used to take pottery classes or basket weaving.. if you can imagine! It was amazing what that little bit of time away from family, using my hands to make something, just healed me of a lot more than you could imagine.

Just some thoughts. Praying for you today.

Amy said...

Oh Krista, let me hug you from afar!!! If you EVER need to talk, please call me!! I can definitely sympathize with all that you are going through - it is so hard to take a moment for yourself and before you know it, it's been months since you last took 15 minutes to just stop. I used to look at 10 pm grocery shopping as my little getaway even though everything that I did during that time was for everyone else, but that 1 was great to just wander through, not rushing & then get home, leave all dry goods in their bags & make someone else put them away the next day. It usually ended up being me, but what can you do??? I'm finally at the point where I don't have as much "mommy guilt" when I take an extra hour at the store/PTA, or just go out for a drink with a friend. My guilt used to be overwhelming since none of my kids liked Daddy to put them to bed, but after my 3rd baby, I realized that he needed to take some part in the evening routines since I DID IT ALL for 7 years and that they needed that time with him. I do miss putting them to bed on the nights that I work or go out, but we all just need that time to replenish our energy and energize our souls since it will probably be months before we can do it again! Organizing Mommy is absolutely right, these are the toughest years and before you know it, the kids will have moved past this "NEEDY" stage and onto the next one where they pull away as they enter the teens :) I'm getting to that point now & the other two are still in their "He hit me" "Stop touching my stuff" "Mooommmmmm" stage!! There are times when I absolutely think I can't take it any longer, that they are going to drive me insane & that I just can't possibly stand to be around them. I've told my husband before he left for his last golf trip that if he came home & the little one was missing, to check for fresh dirt in the backyard or look for me in jail because that's HOW BAD she got to me last year!! Awful, I know, but REAL emotion,real exhaustion.

I love you & am always here for you! Call me!

jennyfair said...

Alright, so really the only reason i have this account is so I can read your stuff and comment. I was wondering if you've ever read "Hinds Feet In High Places"???? It talks about what you're referring to and was of great comfort to me, most recently. If you haven't read it you should, if you have maybe it will help you now. Deep thoughts are comforting....thanks for reminding me that I don't have to be "fake strong" that I can just be who I am and that just makes us closer, not further apart.