I tried so hard to watch the opening ceremonies to the Olympics on Friday night. I got about halfway through & just got too tired & went to bed. But the parts at the beginning I did see left me so touched...all the spectators were cheering for the athletes coming into the stadium. People on their feet, clapping, cheering, smiling, taking pictures. You could feel the atmosphere even through the television.
I got a little teary, and then I started thinking...this is the closest thing I have ever experienced that could even prepare me for what Heaven will be like. "After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people, and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands. And they cried out in a loud voice: 'Salvation belongs to our God, who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb.' " Revelation 7:9-10
I can only begin to imagine what it was like to be part of the crowd at the Olympic Stadium on Friday night...how loud it was, how much unity there was in the building. What an amazing feeling that will be once we get to heaven--to be part of a multitude that "no one could count." Wearing our "racing uniforms" and waving our "flags," giving praise to the Only One Who Deserves Praise.
And then I thought about that other passage in Hebrews 12:1...in chapter 11, the author talks about all those great men and women of faith. Those who have gone before us, paving the way. And then the author of Hebrews says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (12:1-3)
So I picture myself now, not as part of the Olympic crowd, but as one of the athletes. I rush in to the stadium, dressed to compete, waving my team's flag..nervous, but excited about the opportunities ahead. As I get to the front of the line where the cameras are, it hits me that everyone in the world is watching this moment. I panic a little, and then I realize, "these people are cheering for ME." I remember that I've trained hard for this. I know what to do and Whose I am. I throw off every weight, every worry, every bit of nervousness about the race ahead. I know I'm prepared. I fix my eyes on the prize...
I happen to believe very literally in the Bible. I take every word as God inspired, yet sometimes I forget that it really means what it really says. When I think about that passage in Hebrews, I realize....all those famous people of faith--Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Sarah, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Moses--those people I look up to in the Bible & think I could never have as much faith as they do....those people are cheering for ME.
I have the courage and the confidence now to throw it all off...all my losses, all my failures prior to this day no longer matter. It's about here, and now. And about The One I am following.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Beauty for ashes
It's late, but it's quiet. I'm learning to take my new life day by day. I struggle with this new role God has placed me in...not because I don't think I can handle it with His grace, but because it's not one I chose. It doesn't seem to fit (yet). I ache to be home with my kids--playing, changing diapers, cleaning up the milk that spilled again. To be scrubbing who knows what off the kitchen table...would make me happier than any woman in the world.
But (apparently) that's not what God wants for me right now. And I'm learning to give up some of my "what ifs" and to embrace "what is" so that I can be the best Me there ever was. I had a really rough Christmas. I struggled with being very sick, working full time, preparing for Christmas. The "perfect gift" we bought for the kids was damaged when we went to set it up on Christmas Eve....so disappointing. I was so sick that I had to ask my mother-in-law to cook my own Christmas dinner while I sat on the couch. (Thanks, Mama S!) I was very emotional, and all over just down in the dumps. (when I get this way, Marc calls it my being "in the depths of despair." Reminds me a bit of The Princess Bride..."the pit of despair. Don't even try to escape..." ha ha)
Anyway, over the past few weeks, I'm on the mend, the damaged gift is being sent back for a replacement, and my hormones have settled. I'm left with this sense of disappointment, and I've been thinking about it a lot. I mean, really, I have so much to be thankful for. In the scheme of things, compared to 95% of the world, I have no reason to complain. And yet, I have been complaining. I've been discontent...I've been mad.
What is disappointment, really, but just something short of your expectations? That made me think about my expectations--do I have them set unreasonably high? What makes me think that I deserve anything, anyway?
I don't know that any of my ramblings will even help anyone, other than help me get it all out there. Even if no one reads this thing but me. :) I guess I just needed to say it out loud. It's hard right now...ALL my friends and family are long-distance. That stinks when you work full-time and all your friends are stay at home mommys. Not only do I no longer feel connected to that life, but by the time I think about calling, it's 10 pm. I email all day long now at work...to email my friends just feels cold and impersonable. Facebook is an old friend I like to visit for 10 minutes a day. If I don't comment on your page, nothing personal, there's just no time.
Marc & I joked that on Sunday, we'll put an announcement in the church bulletin: "Nice, normal couple in the 3rd row needs friends. Meet us at the coffee cart after service." I know, I know--"you have to be friendly to make friends." Yes, true. But friendly is hard. Sometimes you just want someone to notice you are new and make an effort. And I move so much...honestly, I'm tired of always being the one to make the first effort in friendship.
Not being whiny, just expressing myself. I finally feel at liberty to express myself without cussing anyone out...so you should feel lucky! Ha ha.
I know that all the things my sweet mommy tells me are true, like "this will pass." And, "you've just been through a lot of big changes...don't be so hard on yourself." And believe me, I KNOW I've been negative--especially with my family. But honestly, isn't anyone allowed to really STRUGGLE anymore? To wrestle with their thoughts and feelings without being judged? I guess not...even my friends on facebook are always posting things in their statuses & then posting things to "take it back" because people get mad. Thanks for letting me do that here.
I guess everything I'm trying to say can be summed up by Solomon:
There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:
A right time for birth and another for death,
A right time to plant and another to reap,
A right time to kill and another to heal,
A right time to destroy and another to construct,
A right time to cry and another to laugh,
A right time to lament and another to cheer,
A right time to make love and another to abstain,
A right time to embrace and another to part,
A right time to search and another to count your losses,
A right time to hold on and another to let go,
A right time to rip out and another to mend,
A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
A right time to love and another to hate,
A right time to wage war and another to make peace.
But in the end, does it really make a difference what anyone does? I've had a good look at what God has given us to do--busywork, mostly. True, God made everything beautiful in itself and in its time--but he's left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he's coming or going. I've decided that there's nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life. That's it--eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It's God's gift.
I've also concluded that whatever God does, that's the way it's going to be, always. No addition, no subtraction. God's done it and that's it. That's so we'll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear.
Whatever was, is.
Whatever will be, is.
That's how it always is with God.
--Ecclesiastes 3:1-15
The more I read this passage, the more I take it to be positive and not negative. Yeah, sure, the author was probably depressed. I mean, most of the book of Ecclesiastes is pretty moody. But....I love to serve a God who doesn't show all His cards. Sometimes it's tough figuring out which "right time" it is. Through it all, I remember that I need to "quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear." Whether I agree with His decision or not, it Is. He alone can give me the grace to see beauty where I think there are ashes. He is to be praised!
But (apparently) that's not what God wants for me right now. And I'm learning to give up some of my "what ifs" and to embrace "what is" so that I can be the best Me there ever was. I had a really rough Christmas. I struggled with being very sick, working full time, preparing for Christmas. The "perfect gift" we bought for the kids was damaged when we went to set it up on Christmas Eve....so disappointing. I was so sick that I had to ask my mother-in-law to cook my own Christmas dinner while I sat on the couch. (Thanks, Mama S!) I was very emotional, and all over just down in the dumps. (when I get this way, Marc calls it my being "in the depths of despair." Reminds me a bit of The Princess Bride..."the pit of despair. Don't even try to escape..." ha ha)
Anyway, over the past few weeks, I'm on the mend, the damaged gift is being sent back for a replacement, and my hormones have settled. I'm left with this sense of disappointment, and I've been thinking about it a lot. I mean, really, I have so much to be thankful for. In the scheme of things, compared to 95% of the world, I have no reason to complain. And yet, I have been complaining. I've been discontent...I've been mad.
What is disappointment, really, but just something short of your expectations? That made me think about my expectations--do I have them set unreasonably high? What makes me think that I deserve anything, anyway?
I don't know that any of my ramblings will even help anyone, other than help me get it all out there. Even if no one reads this thing but me. :) I guess I just needed to say it out loud. It's hard right now...ALL my friends and family are long-distance. That stinks when you work full-time and all your friends are stay at home mommys. Not only do I no longer feel connected to that life, but by the time I think about calling, it's 10 pm. I email all day long now at work...to email my friends just feels cold and impersonable. Facebook is an old friend I like to visit for 10 minutes a day. If I don't comment on your page, nothing personal, there's just no time.
Marc & I joked that on Sunday, we'll put an announcement in the church bulletin: "Nice, normal couple in the 3rd row needs friends. Meet us at the coffee cart after service." I know, I know--"you have to be friendly to make friends." Yes, true. But friendly is hard. Sometimes you just want someone to notice you are new and make an effort. And I move so much...honestly, I'm tired of always being the one to make the first effort in friendship.
Not being whiny, just expressing myself. I finally feel at liberty to express myself without cussing anyone out...so you should feel lucky! Ha ha.
I know that all the things my sweet mommy tells me are true, like "this will pass." And, "you've just been through a lot of big changes...don't be so hard on yourself." And believe me, I KNOW I've been negative--especially with my family. But honestly, isn't anyone allowed to really STRUGGLE anymore? To wrestle with their thoughts and feelings without being judged? I guess not...even my friends on facebook are always posting things in their statuses & then posting things to "take it back" because people get mad. Thanks for letting me do that here.
I guess everything I'm trying to say can be summed up by Solomon:
There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:
A right time for birth and another for death,
A right time to plant and another to reap,
A right time to kill and another to heal,
A right time to destroy and another to construct,
A right time to cry and another to laugh,
A right time to lament and another to cheer,
A right time to make love and another to abstain,
A right time to embrace and another to part,
A right time to search and another to count your losses,
A right time to hold on and another to let go,
A right time to rip out and another to mend,
A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
A right time to love and another to hate,
A right time to wage war and another to make peace.
But in the end, does it really make a difference what anyone does? I've had a good look at what God has given us to do--busywork, mostly. True, God made everything beautiful in itself and in its time--but he's left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he's coming or going. I've decided that there's nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life. That's it--eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It's God's gift.
I've also concluded that whatever God does, that's the way it's going to be, always. No addition, no subtraction. God's done it and that's it. That's so we'll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear.
Whatever was, is.
Whatever will be, is.
That's how it always is with God.
--Ecclesiastes 3:1-15
The more I read this passage, the more I take it to be positive and not negative. Yeah, sure, the author was probably depressed. I mean, most of the book of Ecclesiastes is pretty moody. But....I love to serve a God who doesn't show all His cards. Sometimes it's tough figuring out which "right time" it is. Through it all, I remember that I need to "quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear." Whether I agree with His decision or not, it Is. He alone can give me the grace to see beauty where I think there are ashes. He is to be praised!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Nice
You know how your mother always said, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?"
(crickets chirping)
Be back soon, when I have an attitude adjustment.
(crickets chirping)
Be back soon, when I have an attitude adjustment.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
A day in the life...Version "That" woman
As you can tell on my blog, I've been pretty introspective lately. I've had something like 5 or 6 major life changes within the past 3 months--you know, those that qualify for big stressful "points" or whatever. It's definitely been a place of transition for me. Some days I'm patient with myself, and other days I wish I could run to the opposite end of the world from myself. :) If only that were possible...
On my rough days, I'm usually frustrated with "why" can't I do it all? The world seems to think that it can be done. That a woman can be Career Woman--climbing the corporate ladder. And Wife/Mother--being that perfect housewife and doting mother who always has time to do the baking and scrubbing the baseboards. And Super Christian Woman--making sure she is helping to feed the hungry, spend an hour in prayer/Bible study every day, and encourage others in their walk with the Lord.
I ponder these things. I realize that I "could" do them all--but probably not well, and most likely my health would suffer. I come to a place of acceptance that it must not be God's will for me to do everything perfectly and then I try to focus on one thing at a time. But still I'm frustrated. I feel like there is something missing and that I constantly don't measure up.
Last year, I spent some time in a Bible study about marriage where we looked at the example of "That" woman in Proverbs 31. I would look at this woman and think, "Who IS this woman? And where does she live? What does she have that I don't, and how on earth is she doing all of this, doing it well, AND the people in her city praise her? What gives?"
One night, the Holy Spirit gave me this revelation about the Proverbs 31 woman. He said, "You're looking at her life and thinking she is this perfect woman and does all these perfect wonderful things every day. But my intention was to show you her LIFE. Not a "day in the life," but her WHOLE life."
You see, it's a picture of seasons. In one season of her life, she selects wool and flax, working with eager hands. In another season, she considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. In still another season, she makes coverings for her bed and is clothed in fine linen and purple. Later on, she speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. As she gets on in years, her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
Of course, this is just my interpretation and how I feel God explaining the passage to me. But it is SO encouraging. I don't have to be under this pressure to be a perfect employee, perfect boss, perfect mother, perfect wife, perfect housekeeper, perfect Christian--all day, every day. Instead, the Lord showed me He is looking at the book of my life to find the value. Not at each individual chapter (though He sees them all). It's the process--the journey.
Every day I remind myself that without Him, I am nothing anyway. I am never great at asking for help--but I'm trying to remember how much I need Him. Am I going to fail, and have bad days and bad "chapters?" You bet. But then I think those situations might lead to something that would help me to "speak with wisdom" and give me "faithful instruction" for someone else going through that season of life.
I'm learning to like "That" woman--I hope you will, too.
On my rough days, I'm usually frustrated with "why" can't I do it all? The world seems to think that it can be done. That a woman can be Career Woman--climbing the corporate ladder. And Wife/Mother--being that perfect housewife and doting mother who always has time to do the baking and scrubbing the baseboards. And Super Christian Woman--making sure she is helping to feed the hungry, spend an hour in prayer/Bible study every day, and encourage others in their walk with the Lord.
I ponder these things. I realize that I "could" do them all--but probably not well, and most likely my health would suffer. I come to a place of acceptance that it must not be God's will for me to do everything perfectly and then I try to focus on one thing at a time. But still I'm frustrated. I feel like there is something missing and that I constantly don't measure up.
Last year, I spent some time in a Bible study about marriage where we looked at the example of "That" woman in Proverbs 31. I would look at this woman and think, "Who IS this woman? And where does she live? What does she have that I don't, and how on earth is she doing all of this, doing it well, AND the people in her city praise her? What gives?"
One night, the Holy Spirit gave me this revelation about the Proverbs 31 woman. He said, "You're looking at her life and thinking she is this perfect woman and does all these perfect wonderful things every day. But my intention was to show you her LIFE. Not a "day in the life," but her WHOLE life."
You see, it's a picture of seasons. In one season of her life, she selects wool and flax, working with eager hands. In another season, she considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. In still another season, she makes coverings for her bed and is clothed in fine linen and purple. Later on, she speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. As she gets on in years, her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
Of course, this is just my interpretation and how I feel God explaining the passage to me. But it is SO encouraging. I don't have to be under this pressure to be a perfect employee, perfect boss, perfect mother, perfect wife, perfect housekeeper, perfect Christian--all day, every day. Instead, the Lord showed me He is looking at the book of my life to find the value. Not at each individual chapter (though He sees them all). It's the process--the journey.
Every day I remind myself that without Him, I am nothing anyway. I am never great at asking for help--but I'm trying to remember how much I need Him. Am I going to fail, and have bad days and bad "chapters?" You bet. But then I think those situations might lead to something that would help me to "speak with wisdom" and give me "faithful instruction" for someone else going through that season of life.
I'm learning to like "That" woman--I hope you will, too.
A day in the life...Version "Me"
Some sweet pictures and later, some thoughts.
First, Kenna practicing her girliness. She loves necklaces, scarfs, purses, shoes. Combinations are especially important.
Her new thing when she watches "Praise Baby" DVDs. I love the crossed legs and arm holding up her chin. Nightgown and slippers complete the ensemble... She is already way more girly than I will ever be!
Me and my sweeties, in Washington, D.C. We took a crazy, spur-of-the-moment trip there yesterday (only 3 1/2 hrs away), and got back tonight. None of us had ever been, and we braved the snowy roads on the way there. We were rewarded with beautiful, clear blue skies and plenty of amazing monuments and buildings. The architecture and history behind all the sights is just overwhelming. Marc & I fell in the love with the city--we hope to go back & visit again when we can spend more time. The beauty of it is that almost everything is free. My kind of city!
Kenna Boo at the mall this weekend. New play areas always fascinate the kids. This one was not enclosed--to our displeasure and Kenna's joy. :) She spent most of her time here testing us on "staying on the carpet," and would walk right to the edge of the carpet, look at us, put her foot in the air, smile, and then turn back around to run to the other side and do it all over again.
Zach and the "important man." (his words after I explained who Lincoln was!) Both my kids captivated the tourists. People kept coming up to us & asking to take pictures of the kids. Kenna especially seems to have this magnetism with strangers--we'll have to watch her closely! Marc says he thinks that with her strong will and this magnetism "we've got a leader on our hands." A bit scary that it's our job to raise her....we have to remember to be intentional about looking at this in a positive light. She's not "strong willed" but "determined."
First, Kenna practicing her girliness. She loves necklaces, scarfs, purses, shoes. Combinations are especially important.
Her new thing when she watches "Praise Baby" DVDs. I love the crossed legs and arm holding up her chin. Nightgown and slippers complete the ensemble... She is already way more girly than I will ever be!
Me and my sweeties, in Washington, D.C. We took a crazy, spur-of-the-moment trip there yesterday (only 3 1/2 hrs away), and got back tonight. None of us had ever been, and we braved the snowy roads on the way there. We were rewarded with beautiful, clear blue skies and plenty of amazing monuments and buildings. The architecture and history behind all the sights is just overwhelming. Marc & I fell in the love with the city--we hope to go back & visit again when we can spend more time. The beauty of it is that almost everything is free. My kind of city!
Kenna Boo at the mall this weekend. New play areas always fascinate the kids. This one was not enclosed--to our displeasure and Kenna's joy. :) She spent most of her time here testing us on "staying on the carpet," and would walk right to the edge of the carpet, look at us, put her foot in the air, smile, and then turn back around to run to the other side and do it all over again.
Zach and the "important man." (his words after I explained who Lincoln was!) Both my kids captivated the tourists. People kept coming up to us & asking to take pictures of the kids. Kenna especially seems to have this magnetism with strangers--we'll have to watch her closely! Marc says he thinks that with her strong will and this magnetism "we've got a leader on our hands." A bit scary that it's our job to raise her....we have to remember to be intentional about looking at this in a positive light. She's not "strong willed" but "determined."
Zach really loved the Lincoln Memorial and asked to go back up a second time. He's definitely a "Stone" though--the 2nd time he went up, Marc said on the way out Z managed to bang the large metal sign which proceeded to echo throughout the whole memorial. The sign reads, "Quiet please, let's be respectful!" Ha ha. The Stone family has a reputation for being clumsy; I think he'll fit right in.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
A list for my friends
Things I like:
- Popcorn made the old fashioned way, on the stove. Topped with parmesan cheese and salt.
- My new reading corner where kids flock to me
- Pajama pants and comfy socks
- Booking plane tickets to go somewhere fun
- Other people booking plane tickets to come see me.
- SweetTarts: only yellow, purple, and orange. I throw away the green and blue. Sometimes I eat the pink, but not often. Mostly those get thrown away too.
- Dad's homemade spaghetti sauce
- My laptop
- Quiet moments with my daughter
- Looking at the lake from my living room window
- My job
- God's Word
- The number 7 and the letter M
- Watching penguins at the zoo. Just pull up a chair, I'm entertained for hours.
Things I'm planning:
- To drink more water tomorrow
- Buy a car this weekend--Z says it should be white. We'll see.
- Get family pictures taken soon...now that the stitches are out.
- Have a cup of hot chocolate with mini marshmallows
- Read my Bible more this week
- Eating SweetTarts. Yellow and purple only.
- Pay the bills, so they don't kick me out of my house.
- Go back to college.
- Love more. Laugh more. Sleep more.
Things you do:
- Make me laugh
- Keep me going
- Put up with my crap
- Inspire me to be more
- Inspire me to do less
- Challenge me
- Help me finish off that last bit of ice cream. Because someone has to.....
- Laugh at my stupid jokes
- Laugh at my funny jokes
- Love me
Thank you....you are faithful friends.
Monday, November 9, 2009
You can't have it all. But you can have some of it, all the way.
In my 14 free minutes every day, I've been doing some thinking. And I just want to get it all out on "paper." One of the things I love to do is to make lists--not only does it give me a concrete way to accomplish things, but it gets all the "stuff" that's swimming around in my head a place to land. And frees up my mind for other more important things....like thinking about what I'm going to eat next.
Anyway, I'm remembering what my life as a "working a full time job" mom used to be like when Zachary was little and I had a stressful job. Trying to be the best employee I can be, giving my job my all while I'm there, while still being the best Christian, the best wife, the best mom, the best homemaker, the best friend I can be. All at the same time. I remember I was always successful in certain areas at a time--never all at once. I used to feel really upset that I couldn't be "the perfect woman" who can juggle a 50-hr-a-wk job with all the demands of a family and home. Now I'm just sad that I can't, but I'm trying to give my all in whatever role is mine for the hour.
I really love my job, which makes the 7:30-5:30 hours of my day go by very quickly and enjoyably--for the most part. We all have our days. But in the past 2 years I've spent being "only" a wife, mother, homemaker, friend, I've forgotten what it was like when you had no free time. When you have to take personal or vacation time just to go to the chiropractor. Or figure out how you're going to get your hair cut without losing any work time. When your spare minutes at home are spent wishing your kids would give you 5 minutes of alone time....and then missing them intently after they've been in bed for 30 minutes.
I don't think that I can ever be that "balanced" woman that everyone talks about. Who is the perfect everything? I'm not even convinced that being balanced means you can do it all well like the world seems to believe. Maybe it means that you have to let some things go for the sake of other things. Tip the scales in favor of something important for things that are less so.
So my free 14 minutes a day this week are being spent pondering the things that are going to remain on my scales. Not everything's going to make the cut, that's for sure. Probably not everyone, either. I hate that with everything in me....I am a perfectionist. I want to do it well, I want to do it excellently, and I want to be the best. But I'm realizing that I need to "choose this day Whom I will serve," and that I, and only I, am responsible to make those choices. Others may not like it, but I don't answer to them.
Some things that are definitely staying (or being added because they are being forgotten!):
Sleep
Rest & down time....
Bible reading & prayer times
Family time with no tv
Work, done well
Cuddling with my kids
Checking the mail. By myself.
Things you might not find me doing as often:
Facebook
Phone calls
Cleaning (that's what my "house husband" is for now)
Cooking, except on the weekend
Cutting coupons and seeking "deals." A regular sale price without a coupon is still a deal if I get to save time.
Blogging, though I love it
Blog-reading, except for my friends
I would ask all my friends and family to be patient with me, but I think I'm past that point right now. I'm to the point that it just doesn't matter to me what other people think because all that matters is what He thinks. God's given me this job to do (literally and figuratively), and I plan to do it and do it well.
If I could learn to be content with hardly seeing my husband, dealing with a fussy newborn daughter and a rambunctious 2 yr old son, on a tight budget, in a 2 bedroom house....then I can learn to be content with a demanding job, a new lifestyle, and remembering what it's like to be married again. Is it the life I would have hand-picked for myself? Maybe not. But is it good?
Absolutely.
Anyway, I'm remembering what my life as a "working a full time job" mom used to be like when Zachary was little and I had a stressful job. Trying to be the best employee I can be, giving my job my all while I'm there, while still being the best Christian, the best wife, the best mom, the best homemaker, the best friend I can be. All at the same time. I remember I was always successful in certain areas at a time--never all at once. I used to feel really upset that I couldn't be "the perfect woman" who can juggle a 50-hr-a-wk job with all the demands of a family and home. Now I'm just sad that I can't, but I'm trying to give my all in whatever role is mine for the hour.
I really love my job, which makes the 7:30-5:30 hours of my day go by very quickly and enjoyably--for the most part. We all have our days. But in the past 2 years I've spent being "only" a wife, mother, homemaker, friend, I've forgotten what it was like when you had no free time. When you have to take personal or vacation time just to go to the chiropractor. Or figure out how you're going to get your hair cut without losing any work time. When your spare minutes at home are spent wishing your kids would give you 5 minutes of alone time....and then missing them intently after they've been in bed for 30 minutes.
I don't think that I can ever be that "balanced" woman that everyone talks about. Who is the perfect everything? I'm not even convinced that being balanced means you can do it all well like the world seems to believe. Maybe it means that you have to let some things go for the sake of other things. Tip the scales in favor of something important for things that are less so.
So my free 14 minutes a day this week are being spent pondering the things that are going to remain on my scales. Not everything's going to make the cut, that's for sure. Probably not everyone, either. I hate that with everything in me....I am a perfectionist. I want to do it well, I want to do it excellently, and I want to be the best. But I'm realizing that I need to "choose this day Whom I will serve," and that I, and only I, am responsible to make those choices. Others may not like it, but I don't answer to them.
Some things that are definitely staying (or being added because they are being forgotten!):
Sleep
Rest & down time....
Bible reading & prayer times
Family time with no tv
Work, done well
Cuddling with my kids
Checking the mail. By myself.
Things you might not find me doing as often:
Phone calls
Cleaning (that's what my "house husband" is for now)
Cooking, except on the weekend
Cutting coupons and seeking "deals." A regular sale price without a coupon is still a deal if I get to save time.
Blogging, though I love it
Blog-reading, except for my friends
I would ask all my friends and family to be patient with me, but I think I'm past that point right now. I'm to the point that it just doesn't matter to me what other people think because all that matters is what He thinks. God's given me this job to do (literally and figuratively), and I plan to do it and do it well.
If I could learn to be content with hardly seeing my husband, dealing with a fussy newborn daughter and a rambunctious 2 yr old son, on a tight budget, in a 2 bedroom house....then I can learn to be content with a demanding job, a new lifestyle, and remembering what it's like to be married again. Is it the life I would have hand-picked for myself? Maybe not. But is it good?
Absolutely.
"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. Fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing. The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing." - Psalm 34:8-10
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
