What faith

I'm trying to decide whether to name this post "What Faith!" or "What Faith?"

First of all, I was lovingly chastised by my cousin Jen this week that I am not blogging enough.  She is right, and so I am blogging again.  Or at least tonight.  Which is better than not at all, I suppose!  Only time will tell if I continue.  I love blogging, but this year it has been hard to steal away for quiet moments and still my mind enough to pour it out onto paper.

Back to faith.  I've been reading a very small book by George Mueller called Answers to Prayer.  Have you ever heard of him?  He started an orphanage in the 1800s simply to prove that God did not need man's help to accomplish anything, and discovered along the way that God provided him with the faith to ask only God for his needs the rest of his life.  Mr. Mueller never once even told people he was going to start an orphanage.  He simply prayed, and suddenly people came out of the woodwork to give him money toward the cause.

The book is a slow read, but not for lack of interest on my part. It is slow because I need time to absorb all he writes. 

"Either we trust in God, and in that case we neither trust in ourselves, nor in our fellow-men, nor in circumstances, nor in anything besides; or we DO trust in one of more of these, and in that case do NOT trust in God.

"If we, indeed, desire our faith to be strengthened, we should not shrink from opportunities where our faith may be tried, and, therefore, through the trial, be strengthened. In our natural state we dislike dealing with God alone. Through our natural alienation from God we shrink from Him, and from eternal realities. This cleaves to us more or less, even after our regeneration.

"Hence it is, that more or less, even as believers, we have the same shrinking from standing with God alone--from depending on Him alone--from looking to Him alone: and yet this is the very position in which we ought to be, if we wish our faith to be strengthened. The more I am in a position to be tried in faith with reference to my body, my family, my service for the Lord, my business, etc., the more shall I have opportunity of seeing God's help and deliverance; and every fresh instance, in which He helps and delivers me, will tend towards the increase of my faith."

So...like I said, deep. I was reading the Bible to the kids tonight before bed and the story was about Jairus and his sick daughter. You can find the entire story in Luke 8:40-56.  Jairus came to Jesus, obviously upset and overwrought with emotion over his daughter. He fell at Jesus' feet and pled with Him to come home with him because his daughter was dying.
Then Luke says that as Jesus went with Jairus, He was followed by a crowd.  In the crowd was the woman with the blood disease, who reached out and touched the hem of His robe and was healed.  Jesus stopped the entire crowd to find out who touched Him and talked to her and the crowd about what had happened.

As I read the story, I started to think about Jairus.  If I were him, I would have been extremely impatient with Jesus at this point...probably starting to get testy or angry.  I mean, here is this woman who has touched Jesus and it's great that she got healed, but what about his daughter who is dying?  I imagine that minutes and even seconds were precious at this point, to ensuring that Jesus could heal her.

At that moment, a messenger arrived from Jairus' home who told the crowd that his daughter had died and "there's no use bothering the Teacher now."  But Jesus said to him, "Don't be afraid, just have faith and she will be healed."  I'm not so sure what I would have done or felt at that point.  I mean, I've been there.  Five miscarriages and 3 difficult pregnancies teaches you something about hope...mostly how to not have hope so you won't allow yourself to be disappointed in case you lose another baby.  I'm not saying it's right, I just know how that feels--what it's like to battle fear and faith when all earthly knowledge is telling you there's no use.  Who's to say that Jairus hadn't gone through similar circumstances in his life?  And yet, here is Jesus telling him, "Don't worry, just have faith."

So they get to his house, and Jesus won't let anyone else go in the house except Peter, James, and John, and the girl's parents.  The house was filled with the mourners at this point and Jesus says to them, "Cut it out!  She's just sleeping, she's not dead."  The crowd laughed at Him because they all knew the "truth."

But here it is:  "Jesus took her by the hand and said in a loud voice, 'My child, get up!'  And at that moment her life returned, and she immediately stood up!"  This reminds me much of my dear friend's journey with her daughter, which begins Here and after 3 years is Here!!!  The faith and consistency in praying of Jordan and Rob is just amazing and their sweet daughter's victories bring all the glory to our God.  He is so worthy to be praised!!!

All that to say:  What Faith!!!  And I am asking myself:  "What Faith?"  If I shrink back from the hard stuff, from not wanting to walk the difficult road because I'm too tired or I just don't think it's fair that others don't work as hard as I do...I won't see the victory, won't get to feel the thrill of seeing God come through for me in a way that doesn't even make sense.  I've had some hard weeks with my job lately and some trying times personally.  Yet, the times I remember to ask God for guidance, to ask Him to make a way where there really is no way, He has shown Himself true each and every time.

"Would the believer, therefore, have his faith strengthened, he must especially, give time to God, who tries his faith in order to prove to his child, in the end, how willing He is to help and deliver him, the moment it is good for him."  --George Mueller

**This post is dedicated to my dear friend Susan Hinkley, who passed away on Wednesday after a long battle with ovarian cancer....but not before letting God try her faith and ultimately bring her closer to His heart.  Susan, I love you and will miss you.  Give all my babies in heaven a kiss for me!**

More faith. I need it.

I thought it was time to finally post a few pics. This is my "baby" who is now almost 17 months old. Look at those curls! She's a daddy-lookalike.
Sweet sister time on the couch.

My 3 beauties. I love them!!!

Since I am trying to blog at least twice a month (and I failed already in January!), I figured I'd better try to catch up a bit. Nothing too exciting to share here. We're having our share of rough days with these young ones...and sometimes rough nights too. Our youngest is not the best sleeper and we haven't figured out how to fix it. You would think after 2 other kids (1 of them being colicky) that we would know what to do. Sigh.

I feel so content in many ways, and discontented in other ways. I love where we are, love our home, love the satisfaction I feel in my job, love watching my kids grow up and learn lots of stuff. But I feel just as un-sure in the number of hours I have to put into my job...knowing that am missing almost all of their days. That stuff is hard to swallow. Knowing my husband is feeling a lot of the same, wishing he was out working and I was home with the kids. It's strange how we both have the same desire, and yet God has made it so clear that our current situation is what He wants for our lives. Despite how we feel about it. Like I said, it's tough to swallow.

I'm reading about Abraham and Sarah lately. When you really think about it, the stuff that happened to Abraham is just plain weird compared to our current lifestyles. I think we have gotten so used to hearing the Bible stories over and over, that the reality of what actually went on doesn't strike us the way it should. For instance, God called Abraham to leave his family and "go to a place I will show you." No maps, no plans, just "follow me." People just don't do that kind of stuff anymore.

And then the whole thing about Sarah not being able to have children, and yet years prior to Isaac being born, God promised them that they would have a son. Imagine the hope and the thoughts of the future they had!! They went to bed the night after receiving that promise, feeling like God had finally heard them...He was finally going to come through for them...a son would be born!! And then YEARS pass, and Nothing. What's up with that? Sure, I know eventually Isaac was born, and it was still definitely a miracle. But what about those waiting years?

Don't get me started on the story of Abraham bringing his almost-grown son on a journey, telling him, "we're going to worship." And having Isaac carry the wood for the sacrifice....little knowing he would be that sacrifice. I wonder a lot if Abraham felt like I would have felt, that every step he took was painful and sacrificial. Or maybe he had tons more faith than me, and he didn't question at all?

At any rate, all these stories don't seem to fit with God, and yet they do. I think the problem is that we have gotten so far away from who God really is. Too far from what He really wants us to be doing, because we're too concerned with what WE want. Who's to say that God couldn't/wouldn't do things like that in our lives, now? We don't depend on Him like Abraham did...I don't, anyway. Oh, to have the faith of Abraham!!! The Bible said that "Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness." That must have been some pretty powerful believing.

As I read the Old Testament, I'm praying that I would have ears to hear what He is really trying to say to us. These aren't just stories anymore....they really happened. Read it slowly, think about what if that were you in the story? How would you feel? What would you be thinking? What would you tell your family if you were the one that God told to leave everything and travel to a place you didn't know?

Something to ponder....

To my favorite man in the whole world....

This post has been in my head for awhile now...I love you and still, all these years later, can't believe you picked me.

• When you open up Goldfish bags, you make the bag into a little spout which makes the snack come out better with no mess. I'm not sure if you do this for me, or if you just like it that way. But it makes me happy.


• You are the king of knowing fascinating random facts about everything...and you teach our children to love randomness. It makes them look at the world in a whole different way. I love that.


• You like my cooking, or at least have pretended to for 12+ years. Even when I have the annoying habit of critiquing my own cooking each and every time, you just smile and say "it's good." Steady...I like that.


• You know things. Like the time when I was afraid to tell you I was pregnant with baby #3--pregnancy #8--because it was not in our plans and I knew how much it worried you. I was nauseated by the corn you made for dinner and pushed it around on my plate. And you said, "You need to eat that corn. It's good for the baby." And then you said you already knew I was pregnant because of my voice on the phone a few days earlier. The knowing you have about everything drives me insane...yet it grounds me, here with you forever.


• Life with you is never boring. I never know what you have planned for the day but almost always it's something I would not have thought of. Your love of adventure dragged me onto a train halfway across the country for vacation....and has master plans to drag me back for retirement to your blessed Chamberlain. I hope I like it there.


• You see beauty in things I never can. Lining up cars and taking close up pictures of them on the carpet. Arranging decks of cards and playing dramatic music while videoing the whole thing....and then laughing your head off when your video's panning out just so happens to occur at the grand finale of whatever soundtrack you love at the moment.


• Still you boss me around, but only when I need it. You give me room to grow and change, yet reel me in when I need some boundaries. I feel safe with you.


• You love my heritage, carefully packing and unpacking the precious Ukrainian Easter Eggs my great-grandmother made, and gently reminding me that it's time to keep up my skill of pierogie-making to keep it in the family. Our home is filled with things that are precious to us but have little value to the rest of the world...and I like it that way.


• When I first met you, you wore Jnco's to church instead of dressing up with the rest of us. You somehow convinced me that God didn't care what we were wearing and I became proud of your comfy flannel shirts and crazy wide leg jeans. I still think you'd look good in a pair of those....(I thought of this yesterday when I laughed at my jeans attire during church!)


• You love me. And I love you. Forever. Thanks for never making me doubt it.

It's a new year, again.

It's fairly sad to say that I was too busy to make a New Years Resolution. But this year it was just too true. I have made myself a couple of goals here and there, which I would like to put here in writing for all 5 of you who read this blog...this way you can help encourage me in them.

• I want to memorize the book of Ephesians. It might not all get memorized in 2012, but I'm going to try. I miss memorizing Scripture and I'm hoping that this will help keep my brain cells growing instead of dying the way these children seem to want them to.


• I want to blog at least twice a month. My sis-in-law just got me re-motivated. (Thanks Shu!) Yes, Facebook is good for sharing/pictures/etc but since moving to AL I have hardly taken any pictures and I'm pretty sure I've never even hooked up my external hard drive with all the pics on it. Which leads me to the next one...


• I HAVE to get more organized at home. Bills are getting paid on time but not filed, pictures taken but not sorted through, etc. Baby steps, I know.


• Watch less TV. As my job slows down I find myself still coming home and plopping in front of the tv because I'm tired. My goal this year is to not have that be my default setting after the kids go to bed.


• Spend more quality time with my love. Have a date night at least every 2 months...and maybe twice this year, spend a weekend with no kids. Have I mentioned how much we love being close to our families?


• Grow out my hair. Doesn't seem like much of a goal, but this is an easy one to cross off my list.


• Learn more recipes and get out of the same old same old recipe doldrums.


• Actually hang some pictures and curtains in my 5 month new to me house.


• Keep up with my "counting gifts" and being thankful.

Ok, well, I'd better get off this computer now and actually start some of this stuff! It's challenging because I don't have as much "free" time as I used to when I was at home all day. Not that I was working any less being at home but my time was my own. I could do laundry and learn Scripture at the same time, where as at work I am getting paid to work 100%. Maybe one day I'll get to be at home more.......too bad managers can't work 4 10-hr days!!

Happenings

So....we moved. And 4 months later, I am remembering this sad blog. I feel I've almost forgotten how to write, or even what to write about. My life is in a phase I'd like to dub "newborn job," which means that I don't sleep much and I'm working about as much as I would be spending time feeding, changing diapers, dealing with all that fun newborn stuff. I really like my job, I just would like to not spend so much time there. I'm hopeful that maybe by February I'll be working more 10 hr days and fewer 13 hr days. And by summer...who knows? The sky's the limit. Maybe one day I'll work 8-9 hr days again.

I could bore you with all kinds of stories about myself, but tonight I need to make it short and kinda sweet. I've had enough of my own whining this week so I want to be more positive today. We moved to a great new city into an amazing house. It's about 1600 square feet I think, which is approximately 35% bigger than our last apartment. We have the best fenced in backyard with shade trees in just the right places, but plenty of sunny areas for the occasional baby swimming pool and slip-n-slide. I am, from the bottom of my heart, so grateful for this home. For the first time in a long time, I feel we are making a home somewhere and not just surviving. (at least most days!)

If I choose to be positive and thankful, I will admit to myself that though our situation is a bit strange, I know that God has His hand on the whole thing. He was the one who orchestrated this whole move and He has blessed it. As much as I would ADORE to stay home full time with my children and be a home maker, that is most obviously not His plan for me. So I have to embrace with my whole self the fact that He has other ideas. (this is one of those "easier said than done" kind of things, in case you were wondering....) But the thankful part of me says that it is amazing that Marc gets to stay home with our children, and build so many fun memories with them. And the thankful part of me is grateful to even have a home with hardwood floors that echo every tiny noise so that I can't sleep in past 7 am.

Long story short, I am thankful. And grateful, and blessed, and honored that God has even chosen me to do anything for Him, in His Name. The days when I feel dishonored at work, like I have no purpose....I can choose to believe the same things I would believe if I were a full time mom/homemaker and struggling with the fact that "no one sees" what I do all day or the significance of it. I choose to believe that whatever thing I do, great or small, significant or insignificant, easy or difficult, if I do it for Christ and for His Name's sake, nothing is lost.

You didn't think I was going to stop at 200, did you?

This poor blog has been so neglected. Since Marc started his part time evening job, I have no more energy for writing...all my brainpower is sucked out the window or something. But I have a surge of energy right now (or maybe it's just adrenaline but either way, I'll take it!) so I thought I'd jot down some of my thoughts.

1st thing, and this is a much longer story than just this simple sentence, but we are moving to Alabama next Thursday!! It's a very exciting move for us and very much all in God's timing and I don't feel like spending the rest of my night talking about moving so I won't. Moving post coming soon to a blog near you. But tonight...I want to talk about being yourself. Or myself. Or whatever makes more sense to you as you read this poor neglected blog.

Talking to my friend on the phone tonight, I was reflecting on how 3 years ago, I never would have pictured me in this place I'm in right now. I was still dealing with "friendship" issues with other women, stuff left over from childhood/schooldays that caused me to fear rejection and all the weird things that go along with that. I hated going to women's groups, hated trying to think up something to say so I wouldn't sound stupid, hated feeling that awkward silence when someone else feels awkward too. Fast forward a few years, and here I am. Nowhere near perfect...but I feel I'm really growing as a person. As much as I've hated having to work full time instead of being home with my precious children, I know that my job is probably one of the biggest things that has helped me really learn & grow.

What makes me feel like this all of a sudden? Not sure. I guess I was thinking about how I would have reacted to certain situations "back in the day" and I suddenly realize those things just aren't issues anymore. I wonder if part of this growth has just come from the forced patience you learn as a mom of young ones, too. When you haven't slept in 4 days, then what so-and-so thinks about me today because I didn't dress up for Bible study doesn't seem to matter so much anymore. :)

This past year, I finally feel like "me." I mostly feel confident and secure in who I am and where I am going in life. And it is pretty darn good! I know a lot of these changes have been because of my fantastic husband, and just all the learning that comes as a normal part of marriage. 12 years together have taught me a lot...and honestly, when I look back at that woman 12 years ago, I have no idea why he even picked me. You talk about nerds? Biggest one on the planet, right here. I don't even think I really knew what fun was until I married Marc. And now, here I am, turning out to be a bit of fun myself...and he's collecting playing cards for a hobby. Isn't that hilarious? Maybe we've switched roles a little--ha ha! :)

Everything I wrote in the last 10 minutes seems like a lot of rambling, but I'm not going to bother to even go back & re-read any of it. This will be like one of those "stream of consciousness" posts on all those really cool blogs, except it isn't. Cool, I mean.

Thanks for listening, or reading, or whatever. Maybe I can get this blog to 300 posts by the end of this century, wouldn't that be great?

P.S. My baby turns 1 year old in exactly 1 month. That just can't be possible. The End.

200

No, not 200 things you wished you knew about me. (breathe a sigh of relief!) 200 posts on this blog. Probably would have been a lot more had I not started working full time 2 years ago, but oh well. I'm not in it for the numbers. Over the last few weeks I've had so many pictures & posts I've wanted to put here, but I've had to spend my time on other things. Such is life!

3 kids are busy. 3 kids and 3 jobs is even busier. Needless to say, I withdrew from "university" this summer. There was absolutely no way that was going to work out and in the words of Kenna, "That's just ok!" I prayed for God's will and He made it clear. Moving on to the next thing!

Lately I am almost overwhelmed thinking about the responsibility of raising these 3 blessings of mine. When they are babies, it seems easier somehow. All I'm concentrating on are diapers, feedings, and snuggling. Now, it's "so-and-so's not my best friend anymore because he always gets into trouble" and "what is hell?" These questions are not as easily answered. I'm finding I'm spending more time in God's Word and books from those I trust and less time the places you used to find me. Each day I'm practically running to Him for help. I just can't do this on my own--training these young ones is exhausting--but oh-so-worth-it!

Marc just got a new job, working at our church 4 nights a week. We are basically swapping out duties--he picks me up, we have about 10 minutes at home and then he leaves for work. It is great because it forces me to have quality time with the kids. But wow, is it tiring! The good news is that I can sleep more because I don't have to wait up for anyone. He is really enjoying this new job, and I'm enjoying watching him enjoy. Did you enjoy that? :)

One of my favorite things about moving to WV is that it has forced us to do a lot of things we may not have chosen for ourselves. Marc has taken on several roles he never thought he would--and finding that he really likes the new roles. I am gaining a thorough understanding of what it means to work all day and then come home to be bombarded with husband-kids-housework-etc and just crave 15 minutes to myself to wind down. Having virtually no friends in this town, we have re-become each others' best friend. Evenings spent together have been so rewarding and fun, and our marriage has grown stronger. I see both of us responding more patiently, more selflessly. At least most of the time... :) I wish that we would/could have learned some of these lessons 8-10 years ago. How much richer our relationship would be! But then, there's always the possibility that it is only because of the hardships we've been through together that we now know the right way to respond. Hmm.

I wish I had something wise and profound to write about tonight, but I'm just too tired. And the baby is crying. Something about teeth coming in...and why do both girls have to teeth at once? Every time? It just doesn't seem right.

Emi is 8 months old tomorrow. I could say "where does the time go?" but you're tired of hearing that. She is crawling around like a crazy baby. One minute she's right there, the next she is in the bathroom because she heard the bath water running (loves her bath!). We finally bought her a dresser this weekend. She still lives in the closet but at least now she has a proper place for her clothes. Those 3 drawer clear Rubbermaid bins only last so long. She has 3 teeth and 1 on the way. Only 4,286 more teeth to go. I jest...

Zach "graduates" from preschool next Wednesday. I watched some young kids get on the bus this morning and thought to myself, "He is not going to school in August and he is most certainly not riding the bus." But...he will be doing all those things, and without me. I'm not ready yet. I know this will come as a shock to those of you who really know him, but his new favorite topic is weather. (Maps, geography...it only makes sense that weather would be next.) Unfortunately for us, that results in some obsessions with bad weather and feeling scared. And since it does nothing but rain where we live, I had to get creative. Last week when it started to storm, I told him that every time he heard thunder or saw lightning, he should say, "God loves me." Cheesy, yes, but I had a feeling it would work. So far, so good. He still gets nervous so he says it all run together, like "Godlovesme." Melts my little heart. Also, we are re-learning first time obedience because Mom/Dad have slacked off apparently. We are discussing telling the truth and that character means that you do what's right no matter if anyone is watching you. Did I mention this is exhausting? I'm sure my mom is chuckling under her breath as she reads this...

Kenna. Maybe we should skip the paragraph about Kenna. She's two and a half. All we do is first time obedience. It's hard to do without laughing at her, and she knows it. She tries to get us to laugh now which makes it even harder to be serious. Bundle of joy and wonder--she is so caring and loving. One of her new favorite things to do is "give a present." She takes her owl blankie, wraps up a little board book she has, like a present. And says, "would you like to open it with me?" Then we both have to open it together and we both say, "Wooowww" with a very surprised face. She wants to do this over and over for about 20 minutes. Then she gets tired of it for about 5 minutes, and then we start again. I'm enjoying all her playacting...it forces me to be more creative with her and to really engage myself. Her other new favorite thing is for me to put her hair into pigtail braids. I did this one night after bath and she was so excited...now that's the only way she wants you to do her hair! I have many pictures, and maybe in the next 2 weeks I'll post some. (Just being real, this is my life. Sorry!)

I think we covered everyone in the family so now you have the update. It might be the last 2011 update since we're going to be very tired this year. Ha! Trying to get out of debt and stay out, and we're very determined. You don't know how tempting it is to just rush out and buy a second vehicle... But last week I paid off a credit card, and that feeling was so much more rewarding than driving around a new minivan. Or so I keep telling myself.

It's 8:33 and that's my cue to put jammies on and go to sleep. I am thankful I even made it through this blog post. I also got to nurse my baby to sleep for (I'm sure) one of the last times ever in my life. I complained earlier about the teething thing, but it was pretty special to just sit in the darkness with her and watch her sleeping so peacefully. It's always nice when that happens and it's not 2 in the morning! I am thankful for Nabisco because without them it wouldn't have been possible to eat the 5 Chips Ahoy! cookies I just ate. I'm thankful that my husband works so hard to take care of our family. I've never met a more hard-working man, such a servant. So blessed!