The Whole Thing

Well, Happy New Year! I guess that has to be said since this is the first day of the year, and that's the kind of thing that just can't be skipped over. I certainly am glad it's a New year. I always like a chance to start over, make things better, see some change in my life.

I'm not one to make "resolutions" per se, but at every New Year I do like to look at where I am and where I'm going, and where I should be going if I'm not headed the right direction. You can't really figure out what needs to change until you take a good, hard look at where you really are.

And, frankly, I don't like what I see. I mean, yes, there are some good things I've done, and hard places I've walked through, and I've "kept the faith," and all that. But I think that 2009 for me is going to be a year of personal change. A year where I really let the Lord do in me what He's been dying (and died) to do years ago.

Hard things like Forgiveness, True Love, "It's not about me," and more along that line. I'm extremely tired of looking at myself in the mirror and seeing me with glimpses of Christ. I want to see Christ and only Him. I want Him to have my heart, all of it. To be truly yielded...

I took a marriage "class" in my weekly mom's group this fall. Thinking, I'm sure somewhere deep down (if I'm really honest with myself), that I've really got it all together and all the things I don't like about my marriage have nothing to do with me & everything to do with my spouse needing to change. Talk about needing to look in the mirror...! :)

But I'm convinced what really happened is what needed to happen all along, and thankfully, what the Lord knew....that I need to change. I need to be broken, I need to love unconditionally, I need to change, I need to pray more, I need to love bigger, I should give a little more and take a little less.

I realized that I don't know if I've truly loved anyone unselfishly in my entire life. Everything I've ever done, even in the name of Love, has been for Me. Deep down, I can admit that. And now that I know where I'm starting (at the bottom!), I know where I can begin again. Loving with no thought to how much love I'll get in return. Giving with no thought of what I will get back.

I'll leave you with the words to a song that hit me over the head like a 2x4 this morning:

Loving A Person
by Sara Groves and Gordon Kennedy

Loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing
It takes some time to see things through
Sometimes things change, sometimes we're waiting
We need grace either way

Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

There's a lot of pain in reaching out and trying
It's a vulnerable place to be
Love and pride can't occupy the same spaces baby
Only one makes you free

Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

If we go looking for offense
We're going to find it
If we go looking for real love
We're going to find it

Loving the person just the way they are, it's no small thing
It's the whole thing

"Only one makes you free..."